


I will be your villain

by Tayani



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: AU, Angst, Before-Durarara!! events, During-Durarara!! events, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Ketsu - Freeform, M/M, Manipulation, Read at Your Own Risk, Sunset Novel, Trauma, feels-inducing, might contain fluff in later chapters, might contain gays in later chapters, pain and suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2018-05-30 09:30:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6418123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tayani/pseuds/Tayani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every hero needs a villain, Shizu-chan. Without them, they are just a weird anomaly. </p><p><b>Monsters.</b><br/><br/>But Shizu-chan’s no monster. He’s a hero. <b>My</b> hero. People just can’t see it; they only see you as a beast, and refuse you the love and adoration you crave and deserve.</p><p>So all I have to do is <b>make them</b> see.</p><p>Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I will be your villain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_All your life, all you were taken for was a monster._

_The strength you hate._

_The temper you cannot control._

_The chaos you evoke._

_It all made you - and everyone around you - think of yourself as a mindless beast._

_None of these idiots knew. You didn’t know it yourself; but_ **_I_ ** _did,_ **_I_ ** _watched you, always watched, and I saw you were not a monster. No, quite the contrary. You would care, you would cry over the destruction you caused, you would jump to aid of anyone who needed help, you would let rain fall over you so that someone else could have a shelter._

_You’re no monster._

_Every hero needs a villain, Shizu-chan. Without them, they are just a weird anomaly._

**_Monsters_ ** _._

_But Shizu-chan’s no monster. He’s a hero._ **_My_ ** _hero. People just can’t see it; they only see you as a beast, and refuse you the love and adoration you crave and deserve._

_So all I have to do is_ **_make them_ ** _see._

_Don’t worry, Shizu-chan. I will become your villain._

_I will make everyone hate me; will hurt everyone in my way, or even away from it; I will make the whole world despise me, and most of all you - and then, you will fight me and defeat me, and everyone will be grateful to you._

_Don’t worry, Shizu-chan._

_I will do anything to make you happy._

 

* * *

_Shinjuku, March 2015_

 

“Is everything ready?”

Izaya looked from his computer screen at the little gathering in front of his desk. He was doing it again; losing focus, letting his thoughts wander. Now, he couldn’t have that. If it becomes a common occurrence, he will end up losing clients, along with what little faith his few followers still had in him.

Ah, maybe _followers_ wasn’t the right words. More like _leeches_ , wanting to suck something out for themselves from his shady business. But, alas, these kinds of friends were the only friends a villain could have.

He smirked his usual smirk and replied with fake hurt in his voice.

“Don’t you trust my skills, Midorikawa-san? Everything is ready for the - ha - _transfer_ . The _merchandise_ you requested information on is ready for you to pick up on the site you agreed on with my other… _clients_. Now, if you would kindly give me my salary… thank you very much.”

The suitcase placed before the raven-haired informant was pleasantly heavy as he turned and opened it, skimming his elegant fingers over neat rows of banknotes. He then closed the suitcase once again with a satisfying _click_ and smiled brightly at the man before him.

“Everything in order, Midorikawa-san. Thank you very much for your patronage.”

Ten minutes after the man left along with two gorilla-like bodyguards, Izaya sighed and leaned back on his chair, rubbing his temples gently. The only other man in the room, a young, bespectacled man with white lab coat on, looked at him and frowned.

“...I normally don’t care what you do, Izaya-kun, but don’t you think human trafficking is a bit of a stretch? I don’t personally mind, but Celty seems to hate it…”

A soft laugh from the informant interrupted him.

“Now, Shinra, don’t be like that. All I did was buying and selling information; see, this gentleman here sold me a bit of an info that a foreign girl or two would be needed at a certain place at a certain date. Another client bought this information from me, and then I sold the information of the other client to the first one.”

“And got a whole lot of money from it.”

“What can I say. Humans seem to love paying me to talk.”

“I know quite a few who would pay you to stop talking.”

“You’re so mean, Shinra. Besides, you can tell your precious Celty not to worry, and not to run for rescue. I’m on it, too.”

How many years has it been, Izaya thought. How many years, spent being either holed up in this unnecessarily spacious apartment or running around, making deal after deal with the most despicable people to set foot in Ikebukuro and beyond. Day after day, filled with seeding hate, spreading gossip, slipping a bit of an information here and there, letting it all boil and rot in its own stench, and then throwing a lit match in the middle of it all, watch it burn.

It was never him who hurt and destroyed; but it was always his doing, and everyone knew it. When the dust from the fight went down, and everyone was laying, bleeding, on the floor, in the background, hidden in the shadows, you could see Orihara Izaya laughing and pulling by the strings. He was the quiet puppeteer of the city, never personally involved, but always _there_ , always _helping_ his little humans and dancing on the top of all the chaos he caused.

Everyone hated him, but everyone needed him to hate each other, too; and so the informant prevailed, always meddling, always playing his games with no winner other than himself.

Izaya sighed, and rubbed his forehead tiredly. He had pretty much enough by now - but he couldn't stop now. He needed just one more chaos, one more _war_ for his plan to finally work. If he gives up now, his whole hard work will end up being in vain.

"What do you mean? You aren't really someone to just go off saving people for nothing." Shinra said from his seat on the couch, tilting his head at the raven. Izaya smiled, and straightened his fingers, opening a black site with a singular logo in the middle, and punching in a password.

"Of course not; saving people is not for a _villain_ like me. It's a _hero's_ job. Did you know, Shinra? This new group forming in Ikebukuro... Dollars... they recruited a new member recently. And he seems to like using it to find and help people like our two little ladies in distress..."

 

* * *

_Ikebukuro, April 2006_

 

Sakura petals were falling everywhere like snowflakes.

Izaya looked around as he entered the - quiet yet - schoolyard of what will for the next three years be his high school. He wasn’t particularly thrilled - Raijin Academy was high-standard and promised good education, but it wasn’t very different from countless other high schools he passed every day while commuting in Tokyo. There was just nothing really interesting here for the raven-haired boy.

Not even his fellow students to observe and kill some time while doing so.

Granted, Izaya has come to school about an hour early. It was his sisters’ fault; they put it in their little heads that they are personally responsible for their big brother to wake up on time for the first day of high school, and so they woke him up at 4 o’clock in the morning, jumping into his bed and tickling him until he woke up and, very grumpily, got up to make breakfast for all three of them.

Their parents were, of course, away on business trip, so it wasn’t like he had any chance in pacifying his two little sisters in any other way than to comply.

And so, here he was, standing in the middle of an empty courtyard. His school year didn’t really seem to be starting off the best it could.

Izaya made his way quietly to the cloakroom and changed his shoes for slippers, and then walked aimlessly through the corridors, checking out where all the places of interest were - the classes, the bathrooms, the cafeteria, library, stairs leading to the open roof… A few teachers noticed him, and judging by some of the reactions, his _incident_ from middle school, when he claimed to stab Shinra, has been known, and his name familiar.

It wasn’t like he cared much. For now, he wasn’t going to cause much trouble _here_ , so their fear and awareness won’t be of any use for now.

By the time the raven-haired boy was done walking around the school, other students begun to gather. First to spot him was Shinra - of course, the loud, annoying boy just _had to_ land in the same school as he did; which was a pity, considering that now Izaya had to listen to Shinra’s everlasting love for Celty.

He really pitied her, whoever the girl was.

But one thing actually _good_ about Shinra was that he kept you company and rambled without really caring whether you listened or not. And so Izaya could stand by the big window on the second floor of the building and watch people come in, see their uniforms, so different from his middle school one, see their faces, expressions, how they behaved. See their fear, their nervousness, their anticipation and excitement, see smiles as they noticed their friends and grimaces when they noticed someone they didn’t like. A crowd of students about to start a new school year in their first year of high school was colourful and _fascinating_ , and the raven-haired boy could feel excitement filling his veins as he looked down at it.

And then… then he spotted _him_.

Out of all the black- and brown-haired people, there was one person standing out. With his hair dyed blond, tall, his uniform somewhat disheveled even though it was just the first day… this guy tugged people’s eyes to himself, and so he did Izaya’s own.

And then, out of the countless people he looked at that went on, unaware they were being observed, this guy stood still and then looked up, looking him straight in the eye.

Izaya didn’t anticipate that; and the sudden look made a shiver of excitement run down his spine, like an electric shock. His eyes widened softly, his lips stretched in a smirk at the sight of the blond’s glare.

_More_. He wanted to know more about this guy.

“...Shinra?” He interrupted his - out of no better word to use here - friend’s ramblings and tugged him towards the window, gesturing at the blond currently making his way to the cloakroom.

“Do you know that guy?”

“Hm? Isn’t that Shizuo-kun? Yeah, I went to primary school with him.”

“... _Shizuo-kun_?”

“Mhm, Shizuo, Heiwajima Shizuo. Though, he’s anything but _quiet_ or _peaceful_ …”

And then, Izaya said something that will, in perspective, change his whole life; the one, little sentence, that he will, years later, point out as the one that destroyed - and remade - his whole world.

“...can you tell me about him?”

 

* * *

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

– **There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

– **Tsugaru logged in –**

**– Psyche logged in –**

 

**Psyche:** Hello~~ Ah, is it only you here, Tsugaru-san?

**Tsugaru:** yo psyche

**Psyche:** Tsugaru-san is never answering my questions (;^;)

**Tsugaru:** you can see its just me here cant you

**Psyche:** uuuuuuuuh

**Psyche:** Anyway, how is Tsugaru-san today? Did you have a nice day?

**Psyche:** ...Tsugaru-san?

**Psyche:** heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

**Tsugaru:** sorry i had to do something

**Tsugaru:** i had an alright day how about you psyche

**Psyche:** Ah, I’ve been busy today!

**Tsugaru:** thats right youre working hard arent you

**Tsugaru:** you almost always say youre at work when we talk

**Psyche:** Because I work from home, Tsugaru-san (>w<)

**Psyche:** Anyway, anyway! That reminds me! I was looking over the dashboard today, and there were reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally scary news here today, you know??

**Tsugaru:** whatnews?

**Psyche:** Wow, Tsugaru-san used a question mark!

**Tsugaru:** psyche

**Psyche:** Fine, fine. So, apparently there were some strange kidnappings in Ikebukuro yesterday and today! And someone saw some people inviting foreign girls to some strange van! But they walked in on their own, so I don’t know how much of this is true, apparently…

**Tsugaru:** huh foreign girls?

**Psyche:** Mhm! And someone saw this van in front of the old apartment building by Yamanote-sen! You know, the one with Toyota advertisement on, the empty one. Maybe someone should call the police there…

**Psyche:** What do you think, Tsugaru-san?

**Psyche:** Exciting, isn’t it?

**Psyche:** Tsugaru-san?

**Psyche:** Tsugaru..?

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**Psyche:** Ah… of course.

 

– **Psyche logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**


	2. Chapter 2

_Shinjuku, March 2015_

 

_“You’re playing a dangerous game, Izaya-kun.”_

Two hours later, Izaya was walking down the streets of Shinjuku in the direction of the station, his slim silhouette wrapped tightly in his warm, fur-trimmed coat. It was just the beginning of April, and the warm wind blew with the salty, ocean tang from the direction of Tokyo Bay. It was fresh, revitalizing, even in this corporate centre of the city. The raven smiled lightly as he felt the breeze tousle his hair.

Sun was shining bright, and he has been, once again, reminded of the day… how many years ago? Eight? Or was it nine already? No matter - the day he met Heiwajima Shizuo for the first time. It was warm and sunny back then, too; sakura petals were falling all around, like a snow. Izaya smiled to himself lightly and shook his head before making his lips twist into a smirk.

He really was losing focus recently.

The raven skipped all the way into the train, not too crowded now, once the morning rush hours ended and the afternoon ones haven’t started yet. It was mostly quiet; even Izaya didn’t pick up his phone in the train, turning it to silent; and only when he arrived at Ikebukuro did he pull out his phone once more and make a few more calls. Just as he had planned, Shizuo appeared where he shouldn’t, and not really as he planned, one of the girls ended up with broken arm as a result. The raven sighed and rubbed his temples.

 _You’re not making it easier for me Shizu-chan. Behave already_.

Still, the main point was that Shizuo saved the two girls, more or less - a broken arm was a much better fate, after all, than being kidnapped and experimented on. And though Izaya knew Shizuo probably escaped from the place as soon as the ambulance and police appeared and the girls were safe, rumors will spread.

He will personally help them to.

It has become a routine by now, even if it happened about once, maybe twice each month. Suddenly, Shizuo Heiwajima would appear on site of one of Izaya’s darker businesses taking place and interrupt, and then vanish before anyone could notice him; only to appear in Ikebukuro - and once, Shinjuku - a bit later and have a refreshing chase after the informant himself, yelling at him, accusing him of what he had just put an end to.

And today, it was human trafficking, no less. Shizuo will be _pissed_.

The raven felt himself sigh, and blinked a few times after realising he actually did that. Now, this wasn’t like him at all. Was he feeling tired? No… it wasn’t exactly it. Izaya frowned, and stopped in his tracks, his thoughts running as he found a sudden - and unnerving - shift in his thoughts which he could not understand. And Izaya was all about understanding people; this didn’t feel good at all.

Was he really tired of executing his years-long plan? Or was it something else? Was it the kind of reluctance that appeared near the completion of one’s long-time goal? Or was it - finally - certain reluctance preceding something Izaya himself had to consider a _possibility…_ preceding _death_?

Of course, he _was_ afraid of dying. Playing cat and mouse with Shizuo always brought with itself the risk that he will not be quick or swift enough, and that will result in his own death, but knowing _that_ was just an adrenaline shoot. Because he knew Shizuo will never win, not until his plan was ready. So… was he starting to fear the moment when _he_ , Izaya, will have to be defeated?

The raven frowned, and chewed his lip. This wouldn’t be good, if that was the case. He needed a clear mind, needed to be alert and ready even for that to happen if it would turn out to be the only way to achieve his goal. Shizuo already hated him with his whole heart; Izaya couldn’t respond to that by doing anything half-heartedly, could he now.

“Get a grip, Izaya-kun.” he muttered to himself, before smirking without much happiness in it when he heard a sudden, so familiar voice behind himself, ducking before his eyes even registered a segment of metal lockers flying right towards his head.

“I-ZA-YA-KUN…”

Izaya turned around and, with even wider smirk, pulled out his knife, not paying attention to the people desperately trying to get out of his way - and out of the way of the quickly-approaching, blond bartender.

“Shizu-chan.” He purred, and waved his knife almost effortlessly. “Shall we dance?”

 

* * *

_Ikebukuro, April 2006_

 

Izaya managed not to fall asleep on mathematics lesson and considered this an achievement.

One week in, and he wondered if it wasn’t a good idea to just skip first half of the school year. The curriculum went on terribly slowly, and what was even worse, most his classmates seemed to have troubles coping even with this speed, so there was no chance the teacher would go faster for just his sake. Izaya knew he was smart, but it still sometimes surprised him how slow other people could think, or how they couldn’t understand the easiest things that were crystal-clear to him from the moment he saw them. It wasn’t like it was something new, but he _did_ hope high school will be at least a _bit_ more demanding.

And so there he was, listening to the teacher with one ear and looking out of the window as his classmates struggled with problems he solved about half an hour ago. At the beginning, the teacher made the mistake of calling him out for not paying attention to class, but upon realising Izaya has already done everything, and done it perfectly, now left the boy alone, focusing on his less bright students.

Suddenly, a patch of blond hair on the soccer field behind the school caught his eye, and Izaya stopped paying attention to the class altogether. Yes, there he was; the blond guy, Heiwajima Shizuo, running in what he noticed were the tiniest bit too small and rather old gym clothes. His uniform was also worn out, wasn’t it? Shinra didn’t tell him if Shizuo’s family was well off or not, but it seemed they weren’t quite rich enough to let their son have new school clothing every year. Izaya, after all, kept his own uniform from middle school just because it was much more expensive, and of better quality than these of Raijin academy. Most students here came to Raijin high school from Raijin’s middle school, as the two were joined, so it wasn’t that strange some of them kept the old, middle school uniforms, even if they were a bit worn out.

He smiled lightly, a rare, genuine smile, when he noticed Shizuo easily outrun all of his classmates. There wasn’t much technique to his running, but he was quite fast - Izaya decided that they could have quite a thrilling game of tag together, what with the blond’s raw speed and Izaya’s skill in parkour.

And once the blond finished the line, the raven’s eyes widened slightly, and his smile brightened into an excited smirk once more. Because Shizuo lost the grin he wore when the teacher congratulated him, and frowned, looking up in his direction. Their eyes met, and Izaya couldn’t help a shiver running down his spine.

Just what kind of person was this guy? Being able to sense someone looking at him like that… he really was interesting.

Of course, by now, Izaya had all kinds of information on Shizuo. From Shinra, he found out about the blond’s abnormal strength; from eavesdropping on some girls from Shizuo’s neighbourhood, he learnt the blond was actually very sweet and kind, even if intimidating. From another eavesdropping, this time on some delinquents behind the school, he learnt how it happened that Shizuo dyed his hair, and what was the meaning of the uncommon colour. From all that, he deduced a picture of a guy with special ability, but scared of himself, and keeping everyone at a distance not to hurt them. Quite the opposite of himself, huh…

“Orihara-kun, please pay attention. I asked you two times already.”

The raven’s head whipped back to look at the teacher, and he apologised in a slightly bored tone, before giving a perfect answer to the question previously asked. And then, Izaya turned his eyes back to the window… but the blond boy in slightly too short for him gym clothes was already gone, off to cloakroom. Izaya bit his lip, and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

No, it was still not enough… he wanted to know more of Shizuo Heiwajima. He wanted to know much, much more.

 

* * *

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

– **There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

– **Psyche logged in –**

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:** yo psyche

 **Psyche:** Hello, Tsugaru-san!

 **Psyche:** How are you today?

 **Tsugaru:** im okay now

 **Psyche:** Oh? Did something happen?

 **Tsugaru:** well there is this guy i kinda dont like

 **Tsugaru:** we met up today by accident

 **Tsugaru:** tho i think he just appeared to piss me off

 **Tsugaru:** anyway we ended up having a fight

 **Tsugaru:** and i actually managed to land a hit on him so it wasnt a bad day

 **Psyche:** Eh, Tsugaru-san’s scary! (((╹д╹;)))

 **Tsugaru:** no no no it wasnt like that!

 **Tsugaru:** i mean

 **Tsugaru:** i didnt get into the fight on purpose

 **Tsugaru:** and nobody really got hurt

 **Tsugaru:** it really wasnt anything scary i promise!

 **Psyche:** Haha, it’s okay. I know Tsugaru-san’s too nice to really be scary (^w^)

 **Tsugaru:** ...thanks

 **Tsugaru:** hey psyche are you alright?

 **Psyche:** Hm? Yes, I’m okay, why?

 **Tsugaru:** well you write kinda slow today

 **Tsugaru:** normally you write like three lines while i write one

 **Tsugaru:** and that while using big letters and emoji and whatnot

 **Psyche:** Wow, Tsugaru-san’s really smart! Or maybe you’re paying this much attention to me? Aw, aw, is Tsugaru-san secretly in love with me????!?!?! Aw, Tsugaru-san, please stop or I’ll blush (n˘v˘•)¬

 **Tsugaru:** psyche come on

 **Tsugaru:** youre evading the question

 **Tsugaru:** are you sure youre okay?

 **Psyche:** I’m alright. Really. I just caught a little cold yesterday, that’s why I’m probably writing slowly.

 **Tsugaru:** you sure?

 **Psyche:** Sure. Promise. Tsugaru-san is really cute for worrying, though.

 **Tsugaru:**...imnot

 **Tsugaru:** cute

 **Psyche:** Awwwww, Tsugaru-san really is, though. Hey, hey, Tsugaru-san, you know? Tsugaru-san is my bestest friend, even though we only know each other in here.

 **Psyche:** ...you know?

 **Psyche:**...Tsugaru-san?

 **Tsugaru:** sorry you just surprised me

 **Tsugaru:** um

 **Tsugaru:** thank you

 **Tsugaru:** you really made me happy

 **Tsugaru:** like really

 **Tsugaru:** youre a great friend to me too psyche

 **Tsugaru:** now log out and go sleep ok

 **Tsugaru:** take care of yourself

 **Psyche:** Okay, Tsugaru-san.

 **Psyche:** Talk to you tomorrow.

 **Tsugaru:** yeah

 

– **Psyche logged out –**

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**


	3. Chapter 3

_Ikebukuro, March 2015_

 

“ _Shall we dance?_ ”

A snarl - sound more fitting of a beast than human - escaped the blond man in front of Izaya in response. They regarded each other for a minute - Shizuo’s face filled with anger and hatred, Izaya’s with mockery, eyes flickering tauntingly as he looked at the blond. They stood still, but in strangely dynamic poses - Izaya with his knife outstretched, light on his legs, ready to move with his nimble grace, and Shizuo looking as if he was holding back the sheer, wild desire to kill, to destroy.

Which he, coincidentally, did.

Soon, their moment of stillness, of assessing each other broke; the quiet turned into a wild, raging storm. Both of them went at each other at the same time, skipping and dodging, looking for opening, or just simply swinging at the other with blind rage. A sound of torn material; Shizuo’s white shirt falling apart, buttons ricocheting everywhere; the blond’s enraged roar, and Izaya’s elated laughter as he, once again, evaded a hit.

He was too quick; had to be, as his speed was the only thing that saved him in this duel. Even one of Shizuo’s punches would do much, much more harm than his own slashes, and they both knew it. So Izaya didn’t get hit; nimble on his feet like a dancer indeed, he skipped around Shizuo, playing with him mercilessly.

“Come on, Shizu-chan! That was an important column, you know; you can’t go around destroying infrastructure!” he taunted when one more hit, instead of on him, fell on a tiled column supporting the underground’s ceiling. Shizuo only growled in reply.

“Then stand still, you flea, and let me beat your ass.”

“I refuse~ Shizu-chan, you’re so, so scary. I don’t like you when you stop thinking and start being violent. Behave yourself.”

“Shut the fuck up! It’s your damn fault in the first place!”

Izaya laughed mockingly once more, and jumped back, giving the blond an over-the-top bow and dodging another punch with one more chuckle.

“Why thank you! It’s good to see you finally appreciate my input.” he giggled, and slashed rather half-heartedly at Shizuo, before jumping back once more and, with a sing-song _“Catch me if you can~!_ ” run off, out of the underground and into the streets of Ikebukuro.

And of course, because he always did, Shizuo followed after him, screaming his name, along with a string of curses. Izaya chuckled to himself as he parkoured his way through the suddenly-empty streets - nobody wanted to be in their way, after all - as a rather strange thought entered his mind, and refused to get out.

_If things were how they should be, I would be hearing him scream this name oh, so differently…_

Izaya shook his head, feeling sudden colour run to his face. No. No, no, no, we are not going there, focus, come on, _focus_ …

Too late.

What had to be a vending machine was suddenly there, and though Izaya dodged it in the last minute, sheer power with which Shizuo threw it made him stumble; right into the path of a konbini trashcan, hitting him on the side with a sickening crack in his arm. Izaya gasped in pain and fell down, rolling over and back on his feet immediately, and turning to face the panting, enraged blond that came nearer and nearer to him by the second. Shizuo seemed to be quite happy with himself, grinning widely, in a rather terrifying way, as he slowed down to a walk, dragging a traffic sign behind himself - he must have uprooted it just after throwing the double load of the trashcan and the vending machine. Izaya assessed the damage. He couldn’t really feel pain, the adrenaline pumping in his veins helping in that regard, but his left arm was hanging limply, obviously broken, possibly in more than one place. He will have troubles both with speed and balance like that; and it was still too soon for Shizuo to kill him. If he does kill him now, he will only be a murderer.

So Izaya managed another smirk, before turning on his heel and running, trying his best not to slow down until they found their way once again into the labyrinth of alleyways they had their first fight, first chase in. Shizuo wasn’t _always_ stupid, and Izaya already used this place to get him hit by a truck twice, but he knew that, if he jumped into the road just as the traffic starts, and doesn’t get hit and killed in the process, he will manage to lose Shizuo and get back home.

Hopefully in one piece.

And yes, here it was; the crossing by Sunshine 60, Izaya’s incredible luck - the light was just turning to green for the cars, one leap, without a moment’s hesitation, and a long like eternity moment of being uncertain whether he will survive or not; squeel of breaks and someone trying to stop their car even though Izaya was already rolling and standing up, on the other side of the street, and sprinting away from the scene, hearing no footsteps behind himself.

Shizuo, being Shizuo - Shizuo, seeing other people getting in big trouble because of Izaya - stopped his chase for the day. And helped in a little accident that ensued from the raven jumping onto the street like that, splitting the joined cars by hand, better than any fireman with tons of special tools would.

Izaya didn’t see that; Izaya, dusty, exhausted and finally in pain, called for Celty to pick him up on another street, fast, so that Shizuo won’t be able to smell him out again. And, as she came, and he has been informed in an angry writing what an idiot he was, and that she isn’t taking him for free, and that he should be grateful Shooter doesn’t kick him as he mounts. Finally, after a long reprimand, he has been taken to Shinra, and patched up - and then sent home, with head slightly dizzy from pain, physical strain and painkillers the underground doctor offered.

And all this time, one, persistent thought floated around his mind, making him feel every bad emotion with thrice the intensity.

 

_It would have been so, so much easier if I wasn’t in love with him…_

 

* * *

_Ikebukuro, May 2006_

 

Izaya’s birthday were never a big event; his parents were usually absent, and on good years, sent him some lavish gift he never used afterwards and which arrived about two weeks late, and a note with _happy birthday_ printed out on it. On bad years, they would say, somewhere around July, when they came visit for a short while - _didn’t you have birthday somehow recently?_ and throw him an absent-minded _oh, is that so?_ when he corrected them.

His sisters didn’t care much, either. They would wake him up early in the morning, give him hugs and some terrible, self-painted paintings of him, usually reminding him of these few embarrassing moments in his life. Still, he appreciated it, and always thanked them. He usually didn’t need to do any chores or cooking on his birthday, and got himself something nice, along with some good ootoro from a place he always bought it from and knew it would be delicious.

But, well. That was it. And so, his birthday passed as they always did, and nobody seemed to notice Orihara Izaya was now officially sixteen.

Days passed, with him skipping most of the boring classes, his grades perfect as ever. Lots and lots of books were read, mostly on psychology, as he found himself quite interested in the topic. Shinra was teased, the blond, interesting boy called Heiwajima Shizuo observed relentlessly.

Nothing changed.

The breakthrough came unexpectedly, just like the heavy rain that fell from the sky that day. Izaya had his umbrella on him, because only an idiot didn’t check the weather forecast before getting out of the house, but unlike many of his classmates, he _did_ believe it, even if the morning was sunny and cloudless. It was much later in the afternoon when the raven left the classroom - history wasn’t half as bad as mathematics was, after all, so he didn’t feel the need to skip it. And the moment he left the cloakroom, he entered a large crowd of his fellow students, all of which looked gloomily outside, waiting for the downpour to stop. Izaya snickered, and pushed through them, opening his own umbrella and stepping into the rain.

Because most of the students were currently huddling together in the school, the yard was mostly empty. Izaya walked without even having to be careful not to bump into anyone, feeling quite well, somehow the thought he was leaving everyone behind and being looked at with envy for not forgetting his umbrella left his spirits high. And then he saw it.

Just outside the entrance, there was a carton box. Soft, tiny mewls could be heard from it; obviously a cat, though why would someone bring their unwanted kitten to the school gates instead of to the park on the back of Sunshine 60, where most homeless cats lived and did well for themselves, was beyond him. But what pulled Izaya’s attention towards the box was not its contents, so to speak; it was the fact that someone left their umbrella, fixed sturdily so it won’t get blown away, just over the box so that the kitten won’t get wet.

The umbrella was the simplest kind, translucent, with little, blue piece of ribbon tied on the handle to distinguish it; and on the handle, it also had a name written in rather terribly shaky hiragana.

_Shizuo_

Izaya was still for a long while. He crouched to take a look at the umbrella, and now flinched when he felt something unexpectedly warm and rough touch his hand. The kitten moved to stick its little face from the box, and licked his finger. Izaya quickly looked around if nobody can see him, and then smiled.

“Hello there, little one. Ah… Now I see why they didn’t leave you by Sunshine 60. You wouldn’t survive there without one paw, would you? How did you lose it, little one? Or maybe you were born without it?”

The kitten mewled. It had light fur, with white patches all around, and light-brown eyes. Izaya hummed.

“...let’s get you out of this rain.”

As he walked towards home, the kitten snuggled comfortably under his jacket, Izaya couldn’t help but smile, passing a certain blond boy in a drenched uniform of Raijin Academy, hair so wet they were dripping with raindrops. The blond himself glared at the rain as if it personally offended him.

_Don’t glare at the sky like that, Shizu-chan. We both know perfectly well you had an umbrella and just just gave it away, so you’re all wet thanks to yourself only._

Izaya giggled to himself and hurried home, the disabled kitten purring happily right by his heart; and warming the area up considerably, just as the thought of the silly blond who gave up his umbrella for a little cat did warm it from the inside.

Orihara Izaya didn’t know it yet; but it was then, that he had, for the first time, started to fall in love.

 

* * *

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

– **There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

– **Psyche logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:** yo psyche

 **Psyche:** Hello, Tsugaru-san!

 **Tsugaru:** how are you today feeling better?

 **Psyche:** Yes, a bit. I’m still typing a bit slowly though.

 **Tsugaru:** its okay i dont mind waiting fora reply

 **Tsugaru:** so what were you doing today

 **Tsugaru:** i had a nice day a bit too much work but it wasnt annoying

 **Psyche:** ksaneffn;a

 **Tsugaru:**?

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 **Psyche:** I’m sorry, my cat decided he really needs to run right over my keyboard.

 **Psyche:** He says he’s sorry, too.

 **Psyche:** Forgive us.

 **Tsugaru:** hahaha its fine

 **Tsugaru:** didnt know u had a cat

 **Tsugaru:** its a he right whats his name

 **Psyche:** Well he technically is a family cat, but I take care of him now. He’s been with us since I was in high school. He’s an old cat now, but still very cuddly.

 **Psyche:** His name is Teke. Well, Teke-Teke, my sister named him. I know it’s a stupid name.

 **Tsugaru:** ...like the demon?

 **Psyche:** Oh, Tsugaru-san knows the story! Yes, she named him like that because he doesn’t have one paw.

 **Tsugaru:** oh thats kinda sad

 **Tsugaru:** i once saw a kitten that didnt have a paw too

 **Tsugaru:** when i was in high school

 **Tsugaru:** i wanted to take him in but i couldnt because we cant have pets in the apartment i live in

 **Psyche:** Awwwww Tsugaru-san is so cute. I can imagine Tsugaru-san as the kind of guy who would stand over the box with puppies and kittens and look down at them, and hold an umbrella over them.

 **Psyche:** You know, like a shoujou manga hero.

 **Psyche:** And the main heroine would be watching you from afar and sighing, her young, pure heart struck with sudden feelings.

 **Psyche:** “Tsugaru-senpai…!” ♥♥♥

 **Tsugaru:**...

 **Psyche:** And, the two of you will be passing each other all the time - and when you finally realise her feelings for her cool senpai, it will be just before graduation, and your pure teenage hearts will need to cope with the pain of separation! Ah, all the feels!

 **Tsugaru:** psyche are you drunk

 **Psyche:** Mean, Tsugaru-san. I am only telling you about your youth.

 **Tsugaru:** that was definitely not my youth

 **Psyche:** Awwwww, Tsugaru-san, really, no reason to be shy. I bet you had lots and lots of girls sighing to you from afar.

 **Psyche:** ...ooooh, unless Tsugaru-san likes boys more?

 **Psyche:**...such drama! Tsugaru-san is the heartthrob of all the girls in the school, but he really only wishes to be with the cute boy from the class opposite of him, the one who could never understand his feelings…

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

 **Psyche:** Awww, no fair. Does that mean I was right?

 **Psyche:** ヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ

 

– **Psyche logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**


	4. Chapter 4

 

* * *

 

_Shinjuku, March2015_

 

Izaya rarely took time away from work.

Partially because he was working from home while living alone with his cat, and it wasn't like he had things to do - friends and family who visited, parties to attend, even any substantial hobby apart from work that would have made him unwilling to open his laptop, grab the few phones he had and get things done, relentlessly stirring chaos in the city he loved to see bustling. His mischief was now, after years of doing this, part of the city's rhythm; it unbalanced the daily pace of life, but if he were to disappear, it would be a much bigger interference.

It felt somewhat disappointing, to become so, in a way, mundane.

Nevertheless, Izaya was always there. Whether to simply drop a bit of info, invoke some trouble here and there, or save someone somewhere else, just to keep everyone from seeing through his intentions.

Always, always working. Except today.

"Teke, get off..."

Izaya sighed, pushing the cat off his chest. He woke up just minutes ago, his arm hurting like three hells - Shinra, the bastard, gave him placebo rather than painkillers, it seemed, probably as a way of getting back at him for angering Celty - and to make matters worse, his cat decided to lay on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He really had it with people - and animals - trying to kill him for the day.

It was early afternoon, and Izaya cringed once he confirmed that. After yesterday, he slept almost all night long, woke up at his usual waking time, went about his morning routine and then, apparently, lost consciousness on the couch. He never napped, and doing so made him feel even more tired, in pain and generally out of sorts.

No way he was working today like that.

Izaya struggled on his feet and, after giving Teke some food to mitigate his displeased feline, poured himself a glass of water. When he was sitting in front of his laptop, phones ringing, messages popping up on the screen, he never minded living alone; but in times like these, his apartment felt unbearably cold and barren to him. The raven shuddered, and shook his head, still feeling slightly dizzy. It wasn't good that he let himself be hit; and even less so, to let himself have thoughts like that.

Didn't he promise himself, once he agreed to undertake his quest, that he would not let himself lose focus? That he won't look for his own gain, and execute his masterplan, even if it were to kill him, as it most likely would?

Slowly, Izaya returned to the couch, and pulled the blanket over himself once more as he laid down, eyes closed, mind wandering.

Sakura falling like a snow. The scent of rain. The umbrella, the kitten; Shizuo's silhouette, with rain pouring over him. The night sky; the fireworks, the scent of freshly mowed grass, and Shizuo, illuminated by the lights exploding over their heads. The jeers and yells, and Izaya's own anger... The curled-up figure in the dark, the heart-wrenching feeling, hot tears and determination; and then the day on the soccer field, and Shizuo's instant hate towards him, thanks to that idiot, Shinra... though he was an even bigger idiot, to let him be the one to introduce them, officially, for the first time. And the realisation, the burning, painful fact that this hatred, this will to kill... he could use for Shizuo's benefit...

Sometimes, in the quiet hours when he didn't have anything else to occupy his mind with, Izaya wondered, what would have happened if he made different decisions throughout his life. What would have happened, should he introduce himself, at a good moment, when Shizuo was calm? Should he introduce himself not through Shinra, but on his own?

Would Shizuo still hate him, if that happened? Or would he treat him in this wary, self-conscious way he treated people who seemed not to be afraid of him? Would he become curious of Izaya, curious as of why the raven found his company appealing? Sometimes, the informant wondered how would it feel, to have Shizuo not as an enemy, but as a friend... maybe even lover? He should ask Tsugaru on the chat, what kinds of preferences he has, as Shizuo didn't have any partners to his best knowledge, as of yet.

Izaya smiled to himself lightly. If he came home with a broken arm, and Shizuo was there, as someone who cared for him... how would he act? He would worry, of course; he would lecture him, in that slightly gruff, slightly anxious voice of his, with worry and guilt cracking his tone every now and then. He would take care of him; probably do something silly, like make him some soup as if he had a cold, not a broken arm, and insist he lay down and not strain himself. With Shizuo in it, this house of his, this barren, empty flat would have been so much different - so much warmer. Shizuo's things would have been scattered everywhere, the faint smell of cigarettes would have wafted from the balcony; the fridge and cupboards would have been filled with milk and puddings and sweets, and that childish beast would have probably signed his things in marker, as if Izaya would even want to eat them. There would have been soft blankets and pillows, and even plushies; maybe some pictures, some touch of  _life_...

The informant's tired eyes closed again, on the imaginary view of an apartment - and life - so much more filled with color than the one he had in reality. Outside his walls, Shinjuku, and the rest of Tokyo, was bustling about it daily business. One part of the life of the city was missing for now, lost in his dreams, lost in yearnings and what-ifs, lost in regrets and the pain he felt in his heart. The city had no knowledge, no desire to know of the torment of one Orihara Izaya; one unfortunate enough to love without restraint, whose love will - and has already - destroyed him.

* * *

 

_Ikebukuro, June 2006_

 

Summer was, by far, the time of the year Izaya disliked with passion he hardly ever reserved for anything else. The heat, the humidity, the never-ending rain and mold appearing on every surface it could find... there were virtually no upper sides to this season, and the raven wished it would end as soon as it began.

But for others, summer was so, so much more. Right now, in the middle of June, it wasn't starting just yet - not exactly, at least. The rainy season was still there, and about to stay for a couple more weeks, but you could already see people hanging wind chimes, shrines preparing for festivals, seasonal foods marketed in supermarkets and restaurants. Summer was coming to Tokyo, and with it, the first festival in the shrine nearby Raijin Academy was coming...

...and Izaya really, really didn't feel like going, only he will be forced to, considering his sister wanted to go; and he wasn't crazy enough to argue with the twins once they set their little hearts on something. 

"Iza-nii, Iza-nii, do I look pretty? Does the yukata look nice on me?" 

"Stop moving, and straighten your obi, and maybe I'll consider calling you that." 

Despite himself, Izaya smiled as he finished tying his own yukata. His sisters were a pain in the ass, and they baffled him more often than not, but from time to time he couldn't deny they weren't that bad to have around. The raven more or less raised them himself, always being responsible for them despite being a teenager himself, and so he couldn't bring himself to dislike them. Even when they were rude, or outright cruel towards him - and to be fair, he didn't really treat them with love and care, either. 

"Ouch!"

"I told you to stop moving." he sighed, holding Mairu in place with practiced hand while the other reached to the girl's hair, brushing them carefully. His sister immediately went still, sat down and smiled, though her little feet still bounced in the air as she let her brother do her hair for them. Kururi came closer to them, too, and tugged Izaya's sleeve gently.

"...too." 

"Your hair are too short to put them up too, Kururi... hang on, I'll finish here and see what I can do for you, too, okay?" he murmured, translating the one word into a proper sentence and answering his other sister. Kururi nodded and sat down quietly, her yukata already perfectly on. 

In the next few minutes, and once he managed to get Mairu to sit still enough to put her geta on, they were all ready to go. Izaya planned to give his sisters an allowance to go and spend on whatever they wanted, and move to some quiet enough place himself, from which he could observe the crowd and entertain himself with how people all around him behaved and had fun during the festivities. They would meet once it would get dark, watch fireworks together and hopefully go home afterwards. Izaya wasn't worried about the twins being on their own - Mairu was capable of taking any thug down despite still being a little girl, and he knew Kururi liked to carry things like pepper spray or stun gun on herself at all times. Besides, they were in Tokyo, the safest city on Earth; even in Ikebukuro where they lived, nights weren't that dangerous. 

Everything went according to plan at first. They walked together to the street that was already being filled with food stands and people, and there, the twins got their money for the evening and were told to scram, what they happily did, though not before pulling their brother to a mask stand, and bullying him into buying them complimenting kabuki-like masks, he himself rather fond of his own, kitsune one. 

And then he was free, free to roam the streets and observe, feeling rare thrill as more and more people gathered, and laughed and walked and argued and kept in silence; so many different faces, different reactions, laughter of victory and groans of defeat in various games, children asking to be bought toys or sweets or one of many other little, useless things various booths were offering... And the overwhelming, ever-present air of festivity, of excitement and simply of human interaction...

It was in the middle of his walk through the bustling, ever-changing crowd, during which Izaya was grinning like a child on Christmas day under his mask, that he spotted the unmistakable mop of blond hair sticking up from the mass of people. Curious, the raven moved towards him, only to bump into two other guys by accident; and suddenly, he was surrounded by another two, feeling sharp poke to his side, hearing - though not really listening to - pissed-off slurs of some blabbering, self-entitled idiot looking for a reason to show off just how badass he was, picking on one, skinny guy with three other thugs... 

Izaya couldn't care less. These thugs were human, and he still loved to watch their emotions play right before his eyes; but right now, his gaze was sported on the tall blond, who stopped in his tracks and turned, hearing the commotion. The raven wondered how should he move to sneak away from the thugs, and follow one, immensely interesting Heiwajima Shizuo, when suddenly, he felt a hand tugging harshly on his yukata, voices demanding his money, and was just able to roll his eyes before watching, in shock, as the thug in front of him proceeded to be punched out of the way, so hard he landed on the nearby goldfish stand, pouring water - and the poor fish - all over himself. 

The raven blinked a few times, before his eyes moved to gaze in front of himself - and seen the very Heiwajima Shizuo he was trying to follow just moments before, seething at the remaining thugs. 

"What the hell are you doing? Pick on someone your own size, bastards." he growled, fists tightening, eyes narrowed, looking past masked Izaya and to the thugs, who started to back off. The raven tuned his ears to the conversation once more, as he watched, mesmerized, captivated by the wild beast in front of himself. 

The sheer  _power_ of Shizuo's hit; of his anger; the unwavering, though rather naive morality of his actions; his strength, his clenching fists, his burning eyes...

Izaya couldn't tear his eyes off. This man... he was... he was  _more_ than human...

"...hey, hang in there... someone, call an ambulance! I think he's unconscious..."

The sudden shriek, and the sound of thugs running off, pulled Izaya out from his reverie; he quickly looked to the side, where people were gathering around the leader of the thugs, the one Shizuo punched out of the way, who was still lying motionlessly, though from the quiet groaning Izaya concluded he will live. 

But it was the onslaught of whispers, of glares and fearful looks that suddenly shot at the blond that made the raven's eyes widen in shock again.

"...picking a fight in the middle of the street..."

"...crazy strength..."

"...dangerous..."

"...shouldn't let him out on the streets..."

"...freak..."

"... _monster_..."

Izaya looked around himself; a sudden feeling of irrationality filled him, and he frowned under the mask, not able to understand what was going on with the people around him - and with himself, with his own emotions - and not liking any of it.  _Well, it's to be expected people won't like to see such strength, to see violence... but this is wrong... he saved me... well, not that I needed saving, but... but he was in the right there... why don't they see it? He's not a monster... he's a..._

"Hey, you... you okay?"

Came a gruff, but surprisingly melodious, pleasant voice. Izaya's head snapped back up, and he nodded in silence, wondering at how pale Shizuo was; his still-clenched fists were trembling, and he obviously struggled to remain calm, but not because he was still angry, the raven could see it... no, the whispers, the glares... they were  _hurting him_ , weren't they...

"Okay." 

And just like that, the blond was gone; walking so fast Izaya almost didn't see where he disappeared. He stood there for a moment more, unable to distinguish his own emotions, unable to understand, for one of the very few times of his life, what was happening, before deciding he could sit down and think about it later; and lunging forward, running after this  _fascinating_ being whose strength he had just witnessed with his own eyes.

He found him when it was already getting dark; curled up on the top of a slide in some old playground. There was another boy sitting beside him, and Izaya, somehow, managed to came closer without being noticed by any of them. 

They were talking quietly; well, Shizuo seemed to do the talking. He was shaking, face strangely vulnerable; Izaya couldn't distinguish what he was saying, but just looking at this sad, miserable, moonlit face was enough for him to understand. As he stood there, quietly, taking in the scene, the raven felt his heart hurt. It was a pain he never felt before; pain strong enough to make his eyes water, and his hand to come up and clench on his chest.

_No... this wasn't... it wasn't **right**. I'll... I'll make them see... I'll make  **everyone** see what you  **really** are._

_**A hero**.  
_

 

* * *

 

 

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

**– Psyche logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:**  hey psyche

 **Tsugaru:** how are you feeling?

 **Tsugaru:** ...psyche?

 **Psyche:** Hello, Tsugaru-san! Awww, sorry, I had to wake up properly, tee-hee~~ I'm still slow to reply~~

 **Tsugaru:** wakeup? youdo realise its like evening right

 **Psyche:** Ooh, does that mean Tsugaru-san was waiting anxiously for me to get online since morning? I'm touched! Tsugaru-san likes me after all! Ah but Tsugaru-san, you know, you can't just fall in love with me on the internet~~ You could be disappointed when we meet and decide you don't like me after all and what would the poor little me do then~~~? You need to take responsibility for your feelings, Tsugaru-san~~! 

**Tsugaru:**

**Tsugaru:**  so howare you feelkng today

 **Psyche:**  ...that's cold, ignoring what I'm saying like that, Tsugaru-san ✧*。ヾ(｡>﹏<｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。

 **Tsugaru:** youre the one ignoring my question and talking stupid

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 **Psyche:**  （▼へ▼メ）

**Tsugaru:**

**Tsugaru:** psyche are you angry because i said you talk stupid

 **Tsugaru:**  are you seriously pouting because of that

 **Tsugaru:**  how old are you

 **Psyche:**  I thought we agreed on no personal questions Tsugaru-san

 **Psyche:**  And I am /not/ pouting.

 **Tsugaru:**  pft XD

 **Psyche:**  TSUGARU-SAN

 **Tsugaru:**  what 

 **Tsugaru:** omg youre so pouting

 **Tsugaru:**  that's kind cute

 **Psyche:** ...

 **Psyche:**  I'm logging out.

 **Tsugaru:** comeon psyche

 **Psyche:**  Ugh Tsugaru-san is so insensitive ;w; My pure innocent heart cannot hurt you by logging off but I am still very very hurt.

 **Psyche:** Apologize to me. 

 **Psyche:** And buy me 

 **Tsugaru:**  ...what do you mean how doi biuy you

 **Psyche** : I DID NOT MEAN TO PRESS SEND JUST YET

 **Tsugaru:**  hahahahahahahahahahahhaha

 **Psyche:** Tsugaru-san THIS IS NOT FUNNY STOP MAKING FUN OF ME

 **Psyche:** ( ≧Д≦)

 **Psyche:** Tsugaru-san you meanie...

 

**– Psyche logged out –**

 

 **Tsugaru:** okay okay im sorry

 **Tsugaru:** oh shit

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 **Tsugaru:** psyche come on...

 **Tsugaru:** uh...

 **Tsugaru:** im really sorry i ddint mean to laugfh at you...

 **Tsugaru:** ...i hope you feel better... 

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**\- Psyche logged in-**

**\- Psyche logged out-**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**


	5. Chapter 5

 

* * *

 

_Shinjuku, March 2015_

 

For the next week, Izaya didn't appear on the chat. 

Partially because he was too tired, and his broken arm hurt whenever he as much as thought of typing. He knew it will take a month and a half at best for the fracture to heal, probably longer for the arm to be as functional as usual, but a week was maximum of what he was going to spend sleeping and resting and doing nothing else. That was more than enough. He had chaos to stir, after all. But, since he was now grounded from work, going on the chat and talking with Tsugaru felt somewhat unfair towards his other humans, or so he told himself; and so, Izaya refused to log in.

The second reason was because he disliked making mistakes; even typos; and Tsugaru had the nerve to laugh at him for it. And no matter what anyone was saying anywhere, Izaya was  _not_ pouting. And it wasn't childish at all, for him to decide to make Tsugaru worry a bit, and feel bad about teasing him. 

The pang he felt every time he imagined Shizuo worrying and checking the chat to see whether he's on or not, and being angry at himself for making his one friend disappear was promptly ignored each time it appeared.

But soon, the week came to an end, and Izaya started to gradually come back to his life he seemed to put on hiatus for the time being. He had hundreds of missed phone calls and mails to reply to; and even going through all of them took him majority of the first day back. He wrote back to some, more interesting ones; called back to people he knew he couldn't ignore, and a few he could safely ignore but didn't want to; before he knew it, it was already midnight, even though he started early in the morning. 

It felt oh, so refreshing to have time pass quickly and without and silly, unnecessary thoughts invading his mind...

Although, as Izaya clicked his phone off, and looked once more through all the mail he still needed to take care of, and thought of all the paperwork he should do from all of that, the informant couldn't help but wonder whether he should get himself a secretary of some sort. Possibly someone who'd find working for him completely repulsive; he wouldn't mind a tease-toy to laugh at even when he couldn't leave his house. Maybe he could bully them into cooking for him, too. His mind quickly swept through the list of possible candidates, and his lips curled up when he decided on one he knew he would have lots of fun with; and considering the person he thought of as valid candidate for the mysterious leader of the Dollars was coming to Ikebukuro in few weeks, the way the events might just as well unravel, Izaya will have a good shot at making  _her_ his puppet.

Yes, this was a nice prospect... 

Ignoring the little voice that told him he should log on into a chat much different than the one he was going to now, the raven opened his laptop again and the fingers of his healthy arm danced on the keyboard, playing the silly game that was Kanra, seeing the pieces fall, seeing the events that were to happen in the city he loved messing with in the next few weeks. Ah, this was so exciting... So the leader of Dollars was coming to Ikebukuro; to visit and go to school with his friend, who, unbeknownst to him, was the leader of Yellow Scarves, currently on the run from his past. Maybe Izaya should pay a visit to the boy as well; if only to see his face contort as he looks at the informant, and sees him charm his best friend, make him trust him...

Izaya didn't even notice the next hour or two passing. His working hours were usually much more organised than that, he had his preferred times of going to bed and waking up, after all - but the lack of any activity for the last week made the informant hungry for news, for thrill, for his humans' emotions and reactions, for messing with them, for creating havoc. He worked as if he wasn't there for a month, not a week, and only once his eyes grew heavy, and he started making typos in his messages he noticed only once proofreading that the raven decided to call it a day. Only then did he, after some hesitation, opened the chat he has been ignoring for the last week, knowing already Shizuo was most possibly asleep already...

His eyes widened as he skipped through messages from the past week; and then as he looked at the last one.

And Tsugaru was still on...

 

 

* * *

 

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:**  hey psyche

 **Tsugaru:** ...psyche?

 **Tsugaru:**  ...hello? hey i know you're somewhere there lurking about...

 **Tsugaru:** listen im sorry... i didnt mean to make you feel bed. 

 **Tsugaru:**  bad

 **Tsugaru:**  see i make typos too. tho ugh you dont lauh at me for  them right

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 **Tsugaru:** psyche are you still angry at me

 **Tsugaru:**  im really really sorry

 **Tsugaru:**  please get on

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:**  psyche where are you

 **Tsugaru:**  i get it of you dont wanna talk with me anymore but please tell me yours ok 

 **Tsugaru:**  im worried

 **Tsugaru:**  psyche please

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 

 **Tsugaru:**  psyche...

 

 **Tsugaru:**  ...you know i... i dont have many friends

 **Tsugaru:**  so youre reaky precious to me

 **Tsugaru:** i know im terrible and not even fun to talk to ans i teased you and im sorry but please

 **Tsugaru:** just tell me youre okay and ill be fine with it

 **Tsugaru:** you dont have to talk with me anymore but just let me know youre alright

 **Tsugaru:** and let me apologise

 **Tsugaru:** please

 

**– Tsugaru logged out –**

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:** its been a week already... please come online. 

 **Tsugaru:** im not moving from here until you come on

 **Tsugaru:** also i know its a stupid time to say that but

 **Tsugaru:** if you still want to talk with me the uh....

 **Tsugaru:** could we meet psyche? irl?

 

**– Psyche logged in –**

 

 **Tsugaru:**  psyche youre here

 **Tsugaru:**  im sorry

 **Tsugaru:** psyche?

 **Tsugaru:**  im really sorry

 **Tsugaru:**  i didnt mean to make you angry

 **Tsugaru:** im really sorry please dont log off without a word anymore

 **Tsugaru:**  how are you feeling?

 **Psyche:** Tsugaru-san I'm sorry too ꒰๑•̥﹏•̥๑꒱

 **Psyche:** I didn't mean to disappear like that...

 **Psyche:** I'm really sorry please don't feel bad anymore Tsugaru-san! I'm not mad at you I promise... I, ugh... I don't know, I guess it must have been my cold making me act childish.

 **Psyche:** Though, um... about the proposal you had, um...

 **Tsugaru:** IM SO GLAD YOUR EBACK OMG PSYCHE

 **Tsugaru:** are you okay how are you is the cold over are you really not mad anymore

 **Tsugaru:** what proposal

 **Tsugaru:** oh

**Tsugaru:**

**Tsugaru:** you dont have to if you dont want to i mean it was just an idea

 **Psyche:** Tsugaru-san you're typing so fast I got confused ｡^‿^｡ it's not that I don't want to meet... you just surprised me

 **Psyche:** and I'm okay now

 **Psyche:** Hm... but, do you really want to meet me? Are you sure?

 **Psyche:** It's just, erm... I'm not as energetic and fun to be around in reality, I think. You might be disappointed once you meet me in person, and I don't really want that...

 **Psyche:** Tsugaru-san is my bestest friend in the world, after all. I don't want to disappoint you.

 **Tsugaru:** you know u talking so serius is kinda weird too

 **Tsugaru:** but uh... i know what you mean

 **Tsugaru:** i think ill be a disappointment for you too if we meet

 **Tsugaru:** youll probably not want to see me anymore afterthat

 **Tsugaru:** but yknow psyche i still wanna do it

 **Tsugaru:** cause like... i just realised if anything happened to you i wouldnt have known 

 **Tsugaru:** cause i dont know anything if you wont tell me and if youre not on chat you cant tell me

 **Tsugaru:** so...

 **Psyche:** oh...

 **Psyche:** you know, Tsugaru-san? You're the first person to care for me enough to want to know a way to contact me in case something's wrong.

 **Psyche:** I still think it's not a good idea, but okay.

 **Psyche:** Let's meet, Tsugaru-san.

 

* * *

 

 

_Ikebukuro, March 2015_

 

Heiwajima Shizuo sat, eyes barely open and hurting - he wasn't used to staying up so late, after all. At the moment, his gaze was fixed on the screen in front of him, watching messages appear one after the other, each with a little  _blip_ he already came to associate with his friend; with Psyche. He read through each and every one with a little smile on his pale face - Psyche wrote so correctly, with punctuation and proper grammar and all, and Shizuo always admired how he can type so quickly and beautifully, often adding emojis to his writing just for the hell of it. But none of Psyche's pretty messages made the blond smile quite as much as the last, short, simple one.

_let's meet_

Sure, Shizuo was nervous. He doubted his internet friend, the one he confined in for so long, the one he shared his ups and downs with, smiled with, laughed with and cried with - he doubted, even after all this time, Psyche could guess just who Tsugaru has been all along. And nobody he knew - maybe safe for Celty, who was too good to care, Tom-san, likewise, and Shinra, who was an idiot - wanted to be friends with the beast of Ikebukuro. 

Probably, Psyche will break contact with him the moment he realises. Probably, Shizuo will come back from their first meeting heart-broken and lonely. Probably...

But for one of the very few times in his life, the blond wanted to give himself the luxury of doubt. After all, he hardly ever met anyone as accepting and tolerant as Psyche was.

How often did he fantasize, how would it be, once they finally meet. He couldn't imagine how Psyche might look, though he got the impression he was somewhat good-looking, from the one talk they shared about their experiences - admittedly, Psyche was the only one to have anything substantial to say on the matter. It was also how Shizuo discovered his internet pal was very much bi, and somewhat shy about it - and that caused a whole lot of different - and rather unruly thoughts - entering his mind. Tsugaru didn't talk to Psyche that much for the next week after the revelation, until his friend actually started to worry. 

But Psyche was more than anything just that - his friend, and Shizuo couldn't help but feel excited at the thought of having someone - anyone, really - to talk with day to day, to go somewhere together, to call, to visit and to take care of when sick. He wanted someone whom he could share a bit of his everyday life with - not just a colleague, like Tom-san, or someone who appeared from time to time, like Celty - someone who would know him well and not be scared of him.

Psyche... Psyche wouldn't be scared, would he?

They talked a while more, with his friend more serious than usual, and Shizuo trying to spell words correctly even though his eyes burnt and his mind grew foggy from the lack of sleep. Finally, they agreed to meet in two weeks; it would be April already, and the sakuras will be in full bloom, thought the blond. Somehow, it felt fitting, that he should meed Psyche in such a setting. 

And then, his friend chased him off to the bed, and logged out himself, leaving Shizuo grinning and happy... until he realised one thing.

A small thing Psyche wrote to him; that he was the only person who cared about him enough to as much as want to meet with him. Surprisingly, the thought hurt. His friend was, after all, feeling lonely... and not cared for. And that was enough for Shizuo's heart to break for him.

And as he fell asleep this night, Psyche still on his mind, one last thought resurfaced in the blond's tired head.

_I just hope the flea bastard won't decide to appear and ruin the day when we meet..._

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

**– Tsugaru logged in –**

**– Psyche logged in –**

 

**Tsugaru:**  hi psyche

**Tsugaru:**  im sorry

**Psyche:**  Hello, Tsugaru-san! What are you sorry about though ( •᷄ὤ•᷅)？I was the one who was meaning to apologise, I came late and you must have left already... There was some commotion going on on our meeting place, too.

**Psyche:** Tsugaru-san, you didn't get hurt, did you? (๑ó⌓ò๑)

**Tsugaru:**...you wasnt there?

**Psyche:** Tsugaru-san, are you okay? Yes... I'm sorry, I missed the train and didn't make it... I meant to let you know, but you were logged off so I just, um...

**Tsugaru:** no its okay

**Tsugaru:** more like uh

**Tsugaru:** im happy

**Tsugaru:** there was this scommotion ands i was worried you got hurt

**Tsugaru:** i uh left soon as it started

**Tsugaru:** sorry

**Tsugaru:** iw as excited to meet you too

**Tsugaru:** it sucks our firts meeting ended up like hat sorry

**Psyche:** It's not Tsugaru-san's fault （＾_＾）I'm glad you didn't stay there waiting for me and got hurt in the process, too. Maybe sometime else then.

**Tsugaru:** yeah

**Tsugaru:** so howre you today psyche

**Psyche:** Um, actually... I'm really sorry, Tsugaru-san, but something came up today and I'm really busy ( ˃̣̣̥ω˂̣̣̥ ) I only came on to make sure you're okay, and to let you know I'm not going to be able to talk much today...

**Psyche:**  I wasn't working because of that cold for a few days and even though two weeks passed already, I still try to cope with all the work I accumulated over the sick leave, so...

**Tsugaru:** oh okay

**Tsugaru:** sorry to keep you from work

**Tsugaru:** dont strain yourself tho ok

**Psyche:** Okay~~ Bye bye, Tsugaru-san~~

 

**\- Psyche logged out -**

 

**Tsugaru:** bye psyche

**Tsugaru:** oh damn too late

**Tsugaru:** ugh

 

**\- Tsugaru logged out -**

 

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**

 

* * *

  _Shinjuku, April 2015_

 

Izaya let out a deep, rather shaky sigh and slowly pulled his hands off the keyboard. He was still in his jacket, torn and dirty from the fall he endured, and his shoes, though his feet hurt from a long run. He jumped into his apartment and run to the computer first thing he did, knowing Shizuo would be wanting to check up on Psyche as soon as possible. And though it burned him from the inside to be forced to keep up the cheerfulness on the chat, he made sure Tsugaru was reassured, and didn't detect anything out of place in Psyche's happy chirping, his smiley emoticons and giggly demanour.

Orihara Izaya was a perfect actor even face-to-face;on the internet, his skill could not be outmatched.

Only once he was safe and logged off, the chat window closed, camera taped over long ago, did he allow his mask to drop. Slowly, the informant's hands moved up and hid his face, and a sound could be heard that, did it not come from Orihara Izaya, could be mistaken for a sob.

He stayed like this for a long time, shoulders shaking, quiet sobs and gasps for air filling the still air of his empty apartment. Teke run to his master on his three paws and curled up on his lap, meowing in a rather confused manner, as if he tried to ask what was wrong, and how could he help. The cat's distress was hardly unjustified; many things could be said about what Orihara Izaya was usually up to when alone at his home, but among these things, crying was not a common occurrence; or an occurrence at all. 

After what felt like forever, the raven unfolded quietly, took his cat in his arms and walked to the kitchen, ignoring the wetness of his cheeks, face pale, but determined. He walked to the fridge first, and gave Teke some food, placing the cat by his bowl; once done with that, he finally took off his shoes and walked back to place them at the genkan. The bathroom was next of his destinations, and Izaya moved there, throwing his jacket into the washing machine before stripping completely. He showered, then reached for the first aid kit and rubbed salve over extensive bruises on his side. It was a hard task; his arm was still barely functioning, and the bruises were on the other side of him, so he couldn't use the healthy one to tend to them. 

Finally, he was done; still naked, the informant walked to his bedroom and pulled on his comfortable shorts, a hoodie and socks, slipping under a blanket right afterwards and curling up on himself. A warm weight nestling itself beside him few minutes later told Izaya Teke was done eating and decided to comfort him some more. He was grateful, though he knew it will not help much. The pain was too strong, it went too deep for a three-legged cat and his purring to be able to help.

And so it ends, he thought bitterly. It has been the one chance he has given himself; the one chance for his selfishness to be satisfied; the one chance for Izaya to meet with Shizuo on even ground, to explain, to start everything anew, and throw the plan he had so meticulously prepared and executed thus far to hell. But it was not to be so; for today, not prepared for it, Izaya has been reminded why such a situation was impossible in the first place. He and Shizuo were not supposed to be friends. He and Shizuo were enemies; and he was supposed to be the villain. If he stranded from this path, he will be punished for his idiocy; as he was today. As he will always be.

"...not to worry, Shizu-chan." he whispered into the dark room. "I won't make silly mistakes like that again. I will do it. I will be your villain."

_You will never know, and you will find friends, you will find love and trust, and you will forget me, like the dark, unpleasant memory I am designed to be for you. You will forget Orihara Izaya once he loses and disappears, never to bother you again, and you will be able to live in peace among people who admire you. I'm sorry, Shizu-chan... I didn't mean to try making this different. I didn't mean to delude myself into thinking this could work. I won't do it again._

_So play with me, and help me execute my plan, Shizu-chan. Just a few months more._

 

* * *

  _Ikebukuro, April 2015_

 

Shizuo sighed and logged out from the chat, standing up and stretching before starting to undress. Today was a long day, and he still felt anger (and no small degree of guilt) for Simon interfering. Poor guy ended up with bruises all over, even though Shizuo too sported a few bruises himself, even if Simon didn't even really fight him, just tried to stop him from fighting. 

Thanks god Psyche didn't show up. If he had seen that... maybe it was better if they remain internet friends, after all. Shizuo didn't trust himself enough not to get angry and snap, even if his best friend was there beside him.

And it all started so good, too; he was at the agreed place, a bit ahead of time; he decided on wearing his bartender clothes, as he was just after work, but even made an effort to calm down his wild, blond hair and look a bit nicer than usual. But then, he spotted that disgusting flea talking to some kids, then some gang appeared out of nowhere and surrounded them, and then everything blurred in the fit of uncontrollable rage... and before he realised, Simon was stopping him from chasing after Izaya and hopefully beating the crap out of the bastard. 

How dare he appear today, of all days; how dare he stroll around Ikebukuro as if it was his city, how dare he interfere with his meeting, how dare he...

Shizuo never felt more hatred towards Izaya than today; he never loathed himself and his own strength more, either.

Thanks god Izaya didn't realise why he was there; if he knew, if the flea found out about Psyche, Shizuo was sure he would try to pull some shit; some plan to make his friend hate him, no doubt; hell, he could even decide he wanted to hurt him. No, the more the blond thought about it, the more he decided it wasn't a good idea for them to meet at all. What was he thinking, anyway, endangering his friend like that? Not only could Psyche get hurt during his fit of rage, he could have caught the eye of that despicable trash... And Shizuo knew, though hated to admit, he would not have been able to protect anyone if Izaya really,  _really_ wanted to hurt them. The informant's contacts were too vast, his mind too twisted. 

No, it was better like this; Shizuo smiled with some degree of relief and plopped back on his bed, looking up into the ceiling. His head was hurting him a bit from that hit it endured, and he still had some crusted blood tangled in his hair, but he couldn't care less. The bodyguard slept soundly, dreaming of how the meeting could progress without the stupid flea interfering. Psyche was a blurry image in these dreams, but they went to grab a bite and talked, and liked each other, and had fun... and when Shizuo woke up in the morning, he was smiling, and logged onto the chat on a whim just to see if maybe Psyche had some time after his work and decided to send him a word. But what greeted his eyes was not what he expected, and the blond's eyes widened, heart beating painfully in his chest.

_...Psyche?_

* * *

 

 

_Chatroom, April 2015_

 

**– There is nobody in the chatroom –**

 

**– Psyche logged in –**

 

**Psyche:** Tsugaru-san, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to come here anymore. It's nothing you did, just, something came up and I won't have much time... 

**Psyche:** I know it sounds like a lame excuse. I'm sorry. Please don't wait for me here anymore.

**Psyche:** I'm sorry, Tsugaru-san. Talking with you here, it was... I really had fun. You're a great person, and a great friend.

**Psyche:** Goodbye.

 

**\- Psyche logged out -**

  

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**

**\- There is nobody in the chatroom -**


	7. Chapter 7

_Shinjuku, June 2016_

 

A year sure flew by fast.

Orihara Izaya sat by his desk, staring out of the window and into the sunset, cradling a severed head in his hands. His apartment was quiet - and however just a year back, this silence would have made him cringe and wish for his living space to be shared by someone else, right now, he was glad for it. His little group of evildoers could be a bit overbearing at times, lounging about here constantly. Not to mention, they were not exactly a friendly bunch of people. The informant snickered bitterly to his faint reflection on the window glass.

They didn't even want to have a hotpot with him.

Celty's head was by far the most pleasant company of them all. Not counting Teke, of course, but the cat seemed to smell his master's new company was one that would rather give him a kick than a pet, and hid in Izaya's bedroom whenever they were around. And he didn't seem too fond of the head, either. 

The informant took in a slow, deep breath and let it out equally slowly, closing his eyes. He didn't want to think about it, but he grew older over the last year; the circles under his eyes grew almost permanent, and he found himself feeling constantly tired and fed up with what he himself was doing. Not that he let it show, of course; he knew better than that. But Orihara Izaya felt fading, like a candle with too little oxygen around to support a flame. 

Maybe it was for the best, that soon enough, everything will end.

Shizuo played with him with more vigor than ever before, ever since Psyche disappeared from the chat, never to reappear again. The informant knew Tsugaru still lurked in the chatroom, even now, even after one year, but he never gave in to the temptation of talking with him again. He had real Shizuo to entertain; and the blond was doing beautifully, making friends, saving princesses - even if yakuza ones - taming wild Russian assassins and making them into his companions, and getting better and better at controlling himself. 

The leader of the Dollars, meanwhile, provided never-ending entertainment. He was messing around so much it was quite adorable, really. At least Izaya could have a good laugh out of it. 

Soon, the Dollars, Yellow Scarves and Blue Squares, the Beast of Ikebukuro, Celty, all the different Saikas,  _everyone_ and  _everything_ will come to a sudden culmination. A one-night-only, very special show, if you will. Then, finally, after years of planning, after whole year of relentlessly executing his plans, Izaya will face Shizuo in one, last fight, and lose; and in front of the whole city, he, the dark force behind all the evil happening as of late, will be destroyed and thrown into nothingness.

Izaya's hands trembled lightly, fingers tightening on Celty's hair. 

"...Shizu-chan, I'm scared." he whispered into the emptiness of his flat. Old fantasies and yearnings, given flesh with his imagination, answered him back; as did a phantom blond whom he imagined coming to him from behind and wrapping his strong arms gently around him. He would be warm, Izaya thought. Warm, and giving safety and stability to his unstable, cold life.

_Don't be scared, Izaya. It will soon be over. You know I'm not a monster; you know I won't kill you._

"...I know. But if you will...? By accident? That will mean everything have gone to waste..."

_But we both know this is the risk you are willing to take for me._

It was. Izaya breathed again and opened his eyes, half-expecting to see a smiling expression of his self-proclaimed arch-enemy in the reflection. Shizuo - even the imaginary, non-existent one - was right. He needn't worry. And even if he does end up killed, this will end, one way or the other. In the worst case scenario, he will simply die without making any difference with his life; it wasn't a thought entirely unfamiliar to him. Izaya took a few more, deep breaths and put the head away on its shelf before walking to his bedroom.

He should catch some sleep, until he can and has time for it. He will need to lure Shizuo far enough into the crowd so that they have an audience. Maybe he should send an anonymous tip to that insufferable blond girl who was all over his Shizu-chan recently; if Shizuo won't be able to stop himself from killing, even when Izaya calls him a monster, giving him a chance to shake himself off, Vorona might have a shot at stopping him. By killing the raven herself, most probably.

Ah, well. His own death, at this point, sounded almost like a tempting idea. 

Izaya focused on not thinking too much as he was taking the shower, and then climbing on the bed, Teke already curled up and sleeping where he usually was. 

_I need to remember to tell Namie-san she'll need to take care of Teke if I die._

The cat opened one eye and looked at Izaya quizzically. The raven smiled as he nestled himself on the bed.

"You're right, Teke. That witch would probably poison you. I'll just have you delivered to Shizu-chan, then."

* * *

 

_Chatroom, June 2016_

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

 

**\- Tsugaru logged in -**

 

**Tsugaru:**  its been more than a year Psyche... I just want you to know, I'm still waiting for you

**Tsugaru:** I even managed to get myself to type properly just so you can tease me about it

**Tsugaru:** more or less properly

**Tsugaru:** Come back Psyche. recently ive been thinking about you and I have some bad feeling about you disappearing like that a year ago. 

**Tsugaru:** Don't do anything stupid k?

 

 

 

**\- Tsugaru logged out -**

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

 

* * *

 

_Ikebukuro, June 2006_

 

 

"So, can you introduce me to him?"

"What, now?"

"...isn't now a good moment? He's going to PE where he can run off all pent-up rage, he's not really in a hurry, not mad at anyone?"

"You'll just make him angry before classes. I'll introduce you after PE."

"...well, if you think that's the best time, then be my guest. You know him better than I do. Hey, Shinra?"

"Hm?"

"Don't screw this up for me, okay?"

"Come on, Izaya-kun. How could I screw up something like a simple introduction?"

* * *

_Ikebukuro, June 2016_

 

"...you look tense." 

Shizuo turned his head, tensing up indeed, and then relaxed his shoulders when he noticed Tom approaching. His senpai, and one of the precious few friends he had, seemed tired. For some reason, everyone did lately. Tom sat beside him on the bench and put a pleasantly cold can of cocoa in his hand before leaning back and opening his coffee. 

The blond turned his gaze away and stared at the fountain before them, petting a stray cat that found its way towards him just minutes ago and was right now purring like a machine gun under his careful fingers. 

"...I guess I am. Sorry about that, Tom-san." 

"Don't mention it. So, what's up?"

"...the flea."

"Right." Tom let out a long sigh. In all the years he got to know Shizuo, this was the one aspect of him he could never understand, nor he was sure he wanted to. Izaya seemed to evoke some passionate, ever-lasting hatred in his friend, and he could do little about it. Shizuo really grew as a person over the last year; but he still simply needed to hear Izaya's name to go savage. It was... troubling. 

"...what about him?"

"A year since he sneaked his way into my life, the bastard."

...ah. Anniversary talk, as strange as it sounded in relation to Shizuo meeting Izaya for the first time. Hard to believe the blond actually took it onto himself to commit such a date to memory.

"So, uh, how are you two doing?" Tom decided to go for a rather lame joke he knew Shizuo won't get. The blond, however, surprised him yet again, with a different reaction from one he predicted.

"Not good. Something's really wrong with him lately."

"...what?"

"Something's off. He can die for all I care, but something's even more fucked up about him now than usual."

"...well, if you say so."

"I do. Not that I care."

"Right. Well, then let's go back to the office."

"Mhm."

* * *

_Chatroom, June 2016_

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

 

**\- Psyche logged in -**

**\- Tsugaru logged in -**

 

**Tsugaru:**  psyche!

**Psyche:** Hello, Shizu-chan~~

**Psyche:** Oh dear, did you not expect me here~~?

**Psyche:** You know who it is, don't you~~~

**Psyche:** Tee-hee, I wonder what kind of face Shizu-chan has right now!

**Tsugaru:**  what did you do to psyche 

**Psyche:** Sorry, Shizu-chan~ I'm so very sorry, but I'm afraid your friend is no longer here~~

**Tsugaru:** youre lying 

**Tsugaru:** im gonna kill you

**Psyche:** You're welcome to try, Shizu-chan. Go at me with all your hatred, like the monster you are <3 And if you're good, maybe I'll tell you a thing or two about your friend.

**Tsugaru:** im going to kill you you bastard

**Psyche:** promises, promises~~

 

**\- Psyche logged out -**

 

**Tsugaru:** bastard!

 

**\- Tsugaru logged out -**

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

* * *

_Ikebukuro, June 2016_

 

"Hey there, Shizu-chan."

"..."

"To think that all that didn't kill you - you really are a monster. Although the fact you protected a human can only be described as comical. I might have mentioned this before, but do you think you can get people to like you if you save them? Oh, wait, do you have special feelings for that girl Vorona? And by the way, are you sure you want to abandon Celty? That woman you let escape, that Kujiragi... want me to tell you how evil she is?"

"...Izaya."

"...what is it?"

"So long."

"...right. Goodbye it is."


	8. Chapter 8

_Ikebukuro, June 2016_

 

 **Pain**.

It was the first thought that filled the informant's mind, before he even regained consciousness enough to open his eyes. The light was flickering above him, the clinical whiteness of it making his head ring with even more pain. He hardly felt his legs; there was a scent of blood all around, and Izaya was about certain it was his own. More so than hurt, his body felt heavy, tired, just as his mind has been the last few days. The informant blinked a few more times and let out a soft sigh.

"...right. I'm alive." 

Shizuo's anger. The explosion. Celty's interference. The shaking of his foothold, and drop, and the hit he took on his legs, that sent him off through the window of that office building he was currently laying in. 

No good... no witnesses. He couldn't die here like that, could he? He... he needs to be seen, defeated. 

Not quite sure how, Izaya managed to prop himself up, though his legs felt strange; both painful and numb, the overwhelming, throbbing pain thumping in his head with every erratic heartbeat. Was he really still alive? No, the pain was too real for him to be dead. He needed to ignore the pain and fatigue for now, needed to... run, run, fight, dance, laugh and jeer, and find Shizuo, and continue with his plan until...

This ends tonight. No matter what happens, tonight is the end.

Izaya grit his teeth, and moved to the elevator, stumbling inside and hitting zero level. 

He needed to find Shizuo. Tonight, he becomes a hero. 

Tonight, Izaya disappears.

The streets felt weirdly deserted; were the Saika-influenced people gathering in one particular place? Or was it something else? Or maybe there were people, only Izaya didn't notice them, on his way through the city he usually found so enchanting? He didn't know; he run, adrenaline pumping in his veins, making him disregard his body screaming in pain, his legs that shouldn't even be working carrying him bravely through the city.

He didn't even know  _where_ was he running. Somewhere in his mind, there was a dark corridor, with light at the end, with Shizuo's tall figure, his blond hair, his unmistakable uniform guiding him even when he couldn't see him. Shizuo, his Tsugaru, his friend, his inspiration, his hero. He needed to run; he needed to get to him.

A vending machine flying to him in a way of greeting was half-expected, even if, somehow, to be reminded one last time of how much Shizuo hated him was even more painful than usual. Izaya ducked, rolled over, stood up; his knife in hand, no more words wasted, he danced around Shizuo, slashing the uniform open, drawing blood. It hurt to hurt the blond; but he couldn't do anything else, he couldn't afford this not looking real. And somewhere deep inside him, there was a fragile hope that maybe these thin, red lines won't just disappear; maybe they'll scar; maybe in them, if not in anything else, Shizuo would remember the dark shadow of the past he was soon going to become. 

The swishing of fists, the loud chatter all around that made him realise he succeeded; they were in a crowd. A sudden explosion of light, and momentary distraction; and too late did Izaya realise he could not afford being distracted. 

The punch felt worse than he thought it would, and he barely managed to put his arms up in defense when the second one came, along with the sickening crunch of broken bones, and the mind-numbing pain, shooting through all the adrenaline. Gods, this was the end. Now we will see... was I annoying to you enough for you to kill me, Shizu-chan? Please don't. You're not the monster everyone says you are. Understand this already.

The sound of vending machine being dragged over the pavement made him shudder internally.  _No_...

_Shizu-chan, I'm scared..._

_I don't want to die, Shizu-chan._

_I'm Psyche, Shizu-chan. I'm your friend. Don't you see it? Why don't you recognise me? Why did you hate me, all the way from the start? What did I ever do to you to hate me?_

 

"...do it, monster."

* * *

 

_Undisclosed location, July 2016_

 

**Pain.**

Izaya opened his eyes and stared at the bleak, white ceiling. He could hear, in the deafening silence of the new apartment he purchased solely for the purpose of his recovery, the slightest sounds the building made. Even liquid dribbling from the IV on his right side made a startling, entirely too loud noise. The informant let out a soft sigh, but even this hurt; almost a month later, his arms were still in casts, his legs immobile, his side at least healed enough not to start bleeding the moment he moved. The skin on his back, shoulders, heels and thighs was red and unpleasantly sensitive, bedsores barely healed and just waiting to reappear. The raven shuddered at the thought alone, and though it was extremely painful even now, he slowly turned to his side, feeling the chaffed skin breathe. 

He refused to go through  _that_ again.

Some time passed; Izaya lost track of time long ago. Countless hours spent on staring into the ceiling or wall made him insensitive to the passage of time; constant naps, demanded by his slowly healing body, made day and night mix, and even the meals he was given in silence, by people whom he didn't know nor, for once, cared to know about, didn't help with keeping track of time. 

Suffice to say it was long enough after him waking up that he started to drop into unconsciousness again that the steps resonated through the empty corridor outside of his apartment, and the raven's eyes slowly opened again. Door clicked, shoes shuffled, being taken off, and soft pad-pad-pad of feet hitting his floor followed, until finally Kine appeared in the doorway, regarding Izaya with his usual, passive gaze.

The informant himself didn't know why the man stuck around and took care of him, in a way. Maybe Shiki asked him to - Izaya  _was_ an important information source, one that both knew too much to be left alone and was too smart to be disposed off just like that. Maybe Kine felt some kind of remorse, seeing the raven in such a sorry state; he was the one who pulled him into deals with yakuza, who made the life of beginning informant make a rapid turn downwards, even if they both knew Izaya was, even then, well aware of the direction and sat behind the wheel himself, laughing as he steered down into an abyss. Or maybe, as impossible as it was, he even felt some kind of fondness towards Izaya.

Who knew.

"...how are you today?"

The informant smiled bitterly; a brief grimace twisting his handsome, though pale and tired now face. That was an answer all on its own. Kine sighed. 

"...arms?"

"Numb."

"They will take the casts off soon. The bones should be almost healed by now. Legs?"

"Mostly numb, hurt." 

"I'll call in a rehab team, then. We could move you to a hospital, you know. They have special beds there, that make it close to impossible to get bedsores. Costly, granted, but you can easily afford that."

Silence. Normally, Izaya would have protested; but  _that_ pain made even him think before rejecting such offer. Finally, he nodded briefly and looked away, missing Kine's frown.

The man wasn't going to disclose to him the reason why he stayed, organising Izaya's treatment and rehabilitation; but for whatever reason, he did, and now he had to face what most people wouldn't believe was possible to happen; he worried about Orihara Izaya, and not just about his physical state. The informant's body, though slender and looking hardly athletic under his usual black, was strong, and healed fast. Why, the wounds from two stabbings he encountered in two short months were now barely more than scars; shattered bones in his arms were put back together by doctors, and in a week or two, there won't be any sign of them ever being broken. His immobile legs were worrying, of course, but apart from that, Izaya was going to come out barely affected by the fight he had with the strongest man in Ikebukuro. 

Physically, that is. Kine didn't let it show, but he knew Izaya's mental state was slowly disintegrating during his weeks of forced rest. He could sense the informant's mind broke right after the fight, for whatever reason, and it only got worse from then. He barely talked. Barely reacted to anything. Shown no interest in nothing. Stared into the wall, or ceiling, slept and ate and drank when given food and drink; swallowed pills and never complained unless prompted to say what hurt him. He was like a ghost, or an empty shell; and Kine would lie if he said he simply didn't mind seeing him like this.

"...hungry?"

"No."

"I'll call in for some food then. Will visit you later."

"Mhm."

Yes, Izaya was definitely not himself, and getting worse. Kine sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he exited the barely-furnished, quiet apartment. At this point, he wouldn't mind getting even the damned blond beast here to liven him up a bit, if he didn't know that would definitely end with the death of the informant.

* * *

  _Chatroom, August 2016_

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

 

**\- Tsugaru logged in -**

 

 **Tsugaru:**...hey psyche

 **Tsugaru:** it's been a long time since we talked to eacxh other

 **Tsugaru:** hows life where you are

 **Tsugaru:** here itsk inda good

 **Tsugaru:** lifes nice and peaceful

 **Tsugaru:** i made a lot of new frends

 **Tsugaru:** and people almost stopped anoying me

 **Tsugaru:** tomsan says its some rumour going on about yakuza and some shit having ties with me but its not true

 **Tsugaru:** i mean the rumors exists but theyre not true

 **Tsugaru:** anyhow they work

 **Tsugaru:** ...the city's peaceful without you here

 **Tsugaru:** i got the cat. It's yours isnt it

 **Tsugaru:** it just showed up one day in june all three legged and cuddly just like you said

 **Tsugaru:** im not dumb. 

 **Tsugaru:** well i migfh be

 **Tsugaru:** but i at least can get a hint when you hit me in the face with it

 **Tsugaru:** dunno why you were talking with me psyche

 **Tsugaru:** dunno why you were doing anything you did tbh

 **Tsugaru:** but i dont get it

 **Tsugaru:** you never used what you knew about me from talking with me here

 **Tsugaru:** you made me angry on purpose 

 **Tsugaru:** and now youre off somewhere snd i sont' even know if youre alive or not

 **Tsugaru:** and whats real creepy is i actually think about it and qant to know

 **Tsugaru:** why did you do all that flea

 **Tsugaru:** why did you make all that happen

 **Tsugaru:** shinra told me some things too you know

 **Tsugaru:** you never wanted me to hate you

 **Tsugaru:** then why did you make me hate you more on purpose

 **Tsugaru:** you better come online and asnwer me flea

 **Tsugaru:** cause imgo nna find you and beat the answers out of you if you wont

 

**\- Tsugaru logged out -**

 

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

**\- There is nobody in the chat room -**

* * *

_Undisclosed location, August 2016_

 

"...wheelchair?"

Izaya stared at the nurse who just rolled an ancient-looking wheelchair into his hospital room, and his personal rehabilitation trainer that came with her, smiling that infuriating, apologetic smile of his. The raven propped himself up on the bed, his hands free of casts and completely healed, his expression somewhat less pale and face a bit fuller than the gaunt, hollow look it had just a month earlier. He even moved his legs a bit, and it didn't even hurt - just to show he could do that.

"...it might be the best option for now." his rehab coach muttered, rubbing the back of his head. Izaya frowned slightly. The man's body language told him it all. His rehab wasn't going well. It could have helped, but Izaya had to admit he had no interest in it. The pain was a remainder; a bitter-sweet souvenir Shizuo left him, and one the raven was not yet prepared to give up. He didn't try during training, the pain didn't go away. He took care of himself until he gained the ability to stand and walk for a while again without cringing in pain; then, he lost all interest whatsoever.

Still, a wheelchair...

"...ah, if you say so, Satou-sensei." he smiled a perfectly sugary smile, and seen relief wash over his guests. Only when they left did he allow his smile to turn bitter, and looked at the wheelchair again. Oh, he won't be sitting in that ancient thing; he'll arrange for a more comfortable one to be delivered to him immediately. Safe for that...

"...that's just what I deserve, isn't it? Shizu-chan?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting from this chapter, events depicted (safe for Shizuo even being there, that's my AU) as well as some characters are taken from Sunset Novel - a novel published by the creator of Durarara!! and focusing on Izaya after the anime ended (meaning after ketsu fight). As such, the chapters ahead will contain many spoilers to the novel, and so please, read at your own risk.
> 
> I'd also like to thank Roppi, who told me what Sunset Novel is even all about (as my Japanese isn't that good for me to read it myself yet) and made this chapter possible.
> 
> And finally, what I've been meaning to say for a long time: thank you to everyone who takes their time to leave a comment to my work! After publishing every chapter, it's just so incredibly rewarding to read your comments, your thoughts (and occasionally your crying, I know, I'm a terrible person, please do not worry, fluff is coming [i think]). Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're what's making me want to write more, all of you!

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

 

Heiwajima Shizuo stepped out of the train and propped his backpack up on his arm, looking around as he did so. He entered a fairly small, local train station - it wasn't much, a few rows of chairs, a wall of coin lockers, few vending machines and a counter, with drowsy-looking woman sitting behind it that perked up into a professional smile the moment she noticed him enter. 

Bunokura wasn't a big city. Even now, even though it grew thanks to the mines, the town's streets only filled during early mornings and late evenings, when the flood of office workers washed there and back, like high tide. Right now, in the cloudy September afternoon, there was hardly anyone there. Not one person safe for Shizuo left the train. Not one person waited for any of the ones soon to come. The heavy with humidity air clung to the blond's skin as he exited the station, with a hesitant smile sent to the woman at the counter, and his simple, translucent umbrella clutched tightly in his hand, folded for now. 

Having left his usual, bartender uniform at home, Shizuo wandered the streets not recognised by anyone. Not that anyone here knew about the Beast of Ikebukuro; seeing how small and quiet this town was, no matter what dark secrets it possessed, the blond found it rather peculiar Izaya, of all people, would like to live in it. His nemesis preferred crowdy places, places in which he could mingle with all different kinds of people, where he could see every single expression on any face at any moment; city like Tokyo, places like Shinjuku and Ikebukuro. Not this quiet place, where even Shizuo was regarded by old ladies with displeased looks as they surveyed his blond hair and uncommon height. 

For someone new in town, the blond seemed to know where he wanted to go. He stopped only a few times; first to consult a little map in front of the train station, then to ask some passersby for directions. The first one told him which street he should walk; the second, a young couple, replied they would gladly walk him all the way to his destination. They were going to the same place, incidentally.

Shizuo gladly agreed for that, and started walking behind the couple, wondering at how they looked at each other while walking side by side; with softness and yearning, as if they wanted nothing more than to hold hands, hug, to scream out into the world how close in fact they are; but they didn't. Were they embarrassed to do so in front of a stranger? Or was it something else, some dark, underlying reason why these two - Shizuo caught their names soon enough, Kazuhisa and Nana - could not be together, no matter how much they wanted to?

The hotel appeared in front of them soon enough, and the couple walked Shizuo all the way to the door - and even beyond, as it turned out they were going inside as well. But it was the name of the guest they were visiting that caught Shizuo's attention, and made him spill more than he intended to let anyone he didn't know find out about his reason to be here.

"...you're visiting Orihara Izaya, too?"

The two turned to him, and the girl opened her mouth to respond, but they were all shuffled into an elevator - apparently, Shizuo was thought to have come with the couple - and the hotel boy punched in the highest number, the royal suite. Shizuo couldn't help but smile in a way that was supposed to be bitter, but turned fond somewhere on the way.

 _Royal suite? You sure like your luxury, Izaya-kun_.

They waited until the elevator door closed before talking, and it was Nana who talked to him, her melodious voice somewhat worried and the tiniest bit suspicious. They had a meeting with Izaya - an appointment, and they didn't know anyone else was going to be there. Was he going to step in as well? Couldn't he wait? They would prefer if he did; she knew she was being rude, but--

Shizuo cut her off, with a polite smile and a shake of his hand. 

"I'll wait. I'm just... an old friend. Wanted the visit to be a surprise. Don't mind me, I'll wait until you're all done with your appointment..." the blond frowned. "Though, if you want my opinion, which you probably don't... be careful with this guy."

No, they didn't want his opinion; but Shizuo's promise seemed to ease at least the girl's worries, and with her mood lightening, by the time the elevator dinged and they were showed to the door of the royal suite, Kazuhisa's mind seemed to ease as well. Maybe Shizuo, with his calm expression and simple outfit - he wore old jeans, light T-shirt and chocolate-brown jacket he got from Kasuka last Christmas - didn't look too threatening. 

He hardly ever did, after all. Until it was too late.

Izaya was the best witness to that. Shizuo took a deep breath as he stared at the door across the corridor, not quite feeling strong enough - as ironic as that sounded - to go forward, to knock and wait for the informant to open them. He ignored the need to find Izaya for a long, long time; ignored, suppressed, fought with, it hardly mattered. At first, he was simply happy with how stable and peaceful, for once, his life had become. There was no flea messing around with him; nobody making people miserable on purpose. Shizuo's self-control was better than ever, and he now hardly ever lost it and beat someone up. It still happened, but not nearly as often as usual; so much so, in fact, that his boss ended up giving him a raise, simply because of how the company's finances bettered ever since Shizuo stopped causing bill after bill for damage to the city's infrastructure pile up on the boss's desk. But as the time went on, the blond found himself wondering, thinking, obsessing about Izaya all over again, this time in a much less hostile way. He made Shinra talk about their friendship; made his friend stutter out how Izaya saw him the first time, how interested he was in him, how he never wanted for Shizuo to hate him. He spent countless sleepless nights staring into the ceiling and wondering, chewing the same, unanswered questions over and over, until he finally broke, sat by the computer and started looking for the flea. He didn't even know if he was alive, but back then, he simply knew he had to find him; otherwise, Shizuo would never truly find peace. 

The search, conducted clumsily and without effects, lasted for a week until he got an email from one Tsukumoya Shinichi, whom Shizuo dubbed a nosy little shit in his mind. The guy gloated that he knows whom the blond was looking for, and he also knew where to find that person; and just because he was a real little shit (he called himself differently there, but for Shizuo it sounded like that) he was going to share. And there it was, Izaya's address, and even a shinkansen ticket for Bunokura. 

Suspicious, but in the end, when the date on the ticket came, Shizuo found himself on the train. He had too many questions; now, he needed answers. And these answers required certain raven-haired informant.

And now, lost in his thoughts, trailing behind Kazuhisa and Nana, Shizuo only shook the thoughts off himself once he was already facing the door. The doorknob turned before Kazuhisa had the chance to knock, and before them stood...

...a teenage girl.

With eyes cold and irritated, and looking not at all consistent with her round, child-like face. She was quite tall for the age she looked, too, and had light hair barely reaching her shoulders. She wore a dress and a little, elegant overcoat which made Shizuo think inadvertently about the kind of little luxuries Izaya was so fond of; like high-class clothes or nice apartment. 

She regarded the three of them with her cold eyes, and nodded Kazuhisa and Nana inside, before frowning at Shizuo once they shuffled behind her and into the suite.

"...and who are you supposed to be?"

Shizuo frowned at the way she spoke - not really polite, that for sure - but decided to ignore that for now. He had more important things to think about right at this moment, and a certain informant to get to.

"...Orihara Izaya's old friend."

"...he has friends?" the girl looked seriously surprised at this, and frankly, Shizuo couldn't blame her. Still, he nodded, and she immediately tilted her head and frowned at him suspiciously.

"Say, you're not here to kill him or something?"

"...no?"

"...tch. Well, whatever. Come inside if you must, just take off your shoes and wait in the corridor until he's done with the first two. It shouldn't take long."

And this was how, still baffled that he has just been  _tch_ -ed at by a teenage girl for saying he was not going to murder Izaya, Shizuo entered the suite. It was every bit as luxurious as he could imagine - safe for some... things. Like toy cars and Lego littering the floor here and there. And a figurine of a dinosaur placed meticulously on an antique-looking cupboard by the entrance. And a crayon scribbles on a wall to the right. They surely didn't belong to the girl, then what - or rather, who was the reason for these? Surely Izaya didn't suddenly take to playing with toys instead of people? But then, if he wasn't, than who was? Did the flea manage to have kids somewhere these past few months? Maybe he kidnapped some?

The scene that greeted his eyes, from the half-open door to the living room in the spacious suite made Shizuo still in his tracks and watch with his eyes wide open in shock, and for more than one reason.

The first thing he noticed was the wheelchair.

It dumbfounded him. Despite seeing just how Izaya had looked right after their last fight, despite himself inflicting most of the injuries on him, Shizuo was not prepared for this. For Izaya, the Izaya who always escaped unscathed, who was never afraid of him, who danced and jumped around and laughed and never let anything as mundane as common wounds or illnesses stop him...  _this_ Izaya was sitting on a wheelchair, in simple, comfortable clothes, with his signature jacket remodeled to comfortably hide his frame while sitting, with a belt by the collar, so it won't slip from his arms. The chair he was sitting in was sleek and black, looking more like a reclining one if not for large wheels on both sides, and the simple, stomach-wrenching fact that Izaya  _could not get up from it_. 

A young boy with auburn hair - obviously the owner of the toys Shizuo noticed earlier - was the next thing the blond noticed, and for a reason, too. He was currently behind Izaya's chair, holding it by the handles and driving the informant around the spacious living room, letting out soft, bubbly giggles along with an occasional _vroom, vroom_. And Izaya was completely unfazed by it; he simply turned his head this way or the other, depending on how the little boy  decided to steer his wheelchair, and continued to talk to Kazuhisa and Nana, who stood by the door, their hands finally joined as they listened to the raven intently, giving him some quiet replies from time to time. The whole scene seemed so ridiculous Shizuo wanted to laugh, and even if he didn't, a strangely fond smile once again found its way onto his lips.

_Gods, what a dork._

To think that Orihara Izaya would one day be quite literally serving as a pretend-car for a young boy, and not even bat an eyelash at the fact, simply continuing to do his job and letting the boy do as he pleased... ah, no, it seemed the talk was getting serious, and hard to maintain in the current situation. Shizuo saw Izaya turn to the boy, and a quiet words spoken in a pleasant, soft voice hit his ears despite most of the previous business talk missing them.

"...Haruto-kun, would you mind stopping for now?"

And the boy stopped, indeed; so abruptly that Izaya, who was at the time being driven towards the door Shizuo was standing behind, flew off his wheelchair with a quiet yelp, and was about to collide with the door and the floor in a hard, unpleasant way, if not for the fact he landed on something warm, soft and secure that broke his fall. 

Shizuo didn't know what made him take the few steps forward and catch the informant, picking him up in his arms as if he weighed barely more than a feather - and to be fair, Izaya was looking thinner than he did just few months ago. He was also warm, and soft, and fitting perfectly against the blond's chest, but these thoughts were deemed impossible and thus chased away from Shizuo's mind before he could even become aware of them. For a single moment, everyone went still. Shizuo, his face strangely confused and passive, as he still tried to figure out what he was doing; Izaya, frozen in an unpleasant surprise of falling off his chair, lips still parted from the little yelp; the boy, looking a bit worried and a bit apologetic, but a sweet smile already tugging at the corners of his lips; the girl, regarding everything with her cold eyes and unchanging expression; Kazuhisa and Nana, half-turned towards the door and wide-eyed in surprise.

And then, the moment broke. Shizuo blinked down at Izaya, the informant in his arms went tense almost to the point of snapping, all color drained from his face as he stared up with wide eyes, and the blond realised with a sinking, sick feeling to his stomach he recognises the expression Izaya was looking at him with, even though he has never yet seen it on the informant.

_Fear._

_Why... is he afraid of me?_


	10. Chapter 10

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

 

_"...Shizuo?"_

The word, whispered with Izaya's pale lips barely moving, so quiet the blond was sure nobody but him heard it; it was like a hit to the stomach. Enough, anyway, to make him shake off the shock, and carefully place the raven back on his wheelchair, trying to shrug off the fact Izaya flinched when he was being moved, and grasped the armrests of his chair the moment he was seated again in an attempt to stop his hands from trembling. It took him exactly ten seconds to compose himself enough to smile again at Kazuhisa and Nana, somewhat reassuringly, and turn to Haruto to undoubtedly chide him for the reckless driving, blocking Shizuo out of the picture for now...

But the boy in question obviously had different plans.

"That was so cool!" Shizuo heard that somewhere from the height of his waist, and he looked down, giving a hesitant smile to the child standing in front of him. He was dressed with plain, white shirt and black pants with suspenders, and had a pleasant, childish face. His smile was bright and innocent, and his cheeks dimpled adorably when he glanced up at the blond in awe. "You just picked Izaya-nii-san like that, like it was nothing! Can you carry me, too?" 

Saying that, the boy reached his arms up, and Shizuo could hear a weak "Haruto-kun, that's..." from Izaya, before he decided he couldn't really resist the adorable smile and picked the boy up, seating him securely on his shoulder, all the while listening to Haruto's delighted giggles. One look at Izaya, biting his lip and pale and  _terrified_ , even if he masked it perfectly by now, made the blond want to run away. 

"...let's... I mean, I'll wait outside." he mumbled, looking away, not able to take the sight of the informant being so blatantly afraid. "You can show me your toy cars or something." he turned to the boy, and put him back down, only to have his hand taken and being led outside with some more happy bouncing from the boy. He didn't hear Izaya protest. He didn't hear Izaya do or say anything.

The door closed behind them, and Shizuo has been led down the corridor, and into a room with two twin beds; one made and with no visible signs of anything personal on it, safe for some photos on the nightstand; he guessed it was the girl's. Haruto's own, however, was a complete mess, with bed sheets thrown on one side, various plushies, toys and games strewn over it and the floor all around it. Some were still in packaging; some still had price tags on them. All were new. 

"...you sure have a lot of toys."

"Yeah!" the boy nodded with the innocent, sweet smile still intact as he rummaged his bed, looking for the toy he wanted to show Shizuo the most. "Izaya-nii-san bought me a lot of things! See, they didn't let me take many things from my home, so when Izaya-san appeared to take care of me and Himari, he bought us a lot of stuff so we'll feel better while here!" 

"...Himari's that girl?"

"Mhm, she's my dad's friend's daughter, though she doesn't like Izaya-nii-san much. And I'm Haruto. What's your name?"

"Uh... Shizuo. Nice to meet you."

"So, is Shizuo-nii-san Izaya-nii-san's friend?"

"Well... we know each other." 

"Izaya-nii-san's really cool. I want to be like him when I grow up!"

"...really?"

"Mhm!"

"...and what did he say to you when you told him that?"

Haruto straightened up and hugged a soft-looking rabbit plushie to himself as he turned and looked at Shizuo, before scrunching his little face a bit and letting out what had to be his best 'Izaya' voice. 

" _Don't._ "

"...good." 

Shizuo couldn't help but smile, imagining the scene. He didn't know why, but the boy reminded him irresistibly of Mairu. He had her bubbly, cheerful personality, though with a lot of childish innocence the older girl could never even dream of having. He was sitting there, in a hotel room, surrounded by toys and plushies and showing Shizuo every one of these, explaining and gushing about how wonderful a person Izaya was. Little by little, plushie after plushie, Shizuo got to know how Haruto's and Himari's fathers died during one night; how because of it, Haruto's mother went insane and attacked Himari's mother, and then tried to kill herself and the two children; how Izaya stepped in, posing as a distant relative, and took custody over them. 

It sounded... nothing like what Izaya would do. Then again, Shizuo wouldn't put it past the informant to actually stage the whole killing spree, and only take the children in because he was bored and wanted some day-to-day entertainment. That was what  _his_ Izaya would do. But  _his_ Izaya looked more and more like a lie, and frankly, the blond had no idea what to think anymore.

 _Fear._ Why was the raven so afraid of him? Shizuo wasn't a  _complete_ idiot, he could understand that someone being as hurt as Izaya was would quite likely develop some kind of reaction, but this... this was supposed to be Orihara Izaya. He was  _never_ afraid, that was what made Shizuo all the more angry at him most of the time. Out of all the people he didn't want to fear him, Izaya always had to be the one who never did. No matter what; Shizuo could be hurling vending machines at him, could uproot street signs and strike for a kill, and Izaya would laugh and jump around and never show the slightest sign he was scared.

Until now. 

Shizuo blinked, and frowned when he has been pulled out of his thoughts by the boy who, still talking happily, started to climb on the blond's back and, once seated on his shoulders, tugged at his hair curiously, as if he wanted to check if the colour would come off if he pulled at it. 

"Haruto-kun, you shouldn't be doing that. Shizuo-san will be mad at you if you do." came a quiet voice from the doorway, and both of them turned, looking at Izaya from their place - Shizuo sitting on the floor, Haruto on his shoulders. And as the boy got off with a cheerful  _okay!_ , and run to the man in the wheelchair, clinging to his side, Izaya looked warily at Shizuo and was met with a confused, quizzical glance from the blond himself. 

He looked less disturbed now, a bit more in control, which was a relief. Shizuo didn't think he could bear seeing the raven make the face like he did the moment he realised who was holding him; but now, the blond's thoughts were preoccupied with yet another problem. The first time, he ignored it, decided it was a one-time thing. But Izaya just said it again.

 _Shizuo_.  _Shizuo-san_. Why was he calling him like that? What happened to that insufferable, ever-present  _Shizu-chan_? Why wasn't he looking at him, but at the boy by his side? Why, why,  _why?_

Haruto has been asked to leave soon enough, though Shizuo could see Izaya unwillingly let himself stay alone with the blond. Even as the boy run off somewhere, presumably to the living room, the informant refused to look at him, hands rubbing against one another nervously. For a long moment, there was silence. The blond hardly dared to breathe; he didn't stand up, either, feeling sick to the stomach at mere look at Izaya's wheelchair, and not wanting to make it even worse, even more apparent how much has  _changed_ by standing up and hovering over the other. Finally, these crimson eyes looked up at him; Shizuo thought, rather out of place, that he never noticed Izaya's eyes were this color. He never cared. 

Until now.

And this was not a good thing, not at all. 

"...why are you here? What do you want?"

Izaya's voice was so quiet and forcibly calm that Shizuo shuddered. It would sound normal on any other person; with Izaya speaking, it felt wrong. Izaya was all chitter-chatter and mocking, bubbly speech that cut just as precisely as the raven's knife. This wasn't his voice. 

"...I didn't know you're..." Shizuo waved his hand vaguely, saying, frankly, the first thing that came to his mind. He didn't expect the laughter; and neither did he expect how unnatural, almost hysteric it sounded. 

"I'm... what? A cripple? Really?" Izaya cackled, with no amusement whatsoever; if anything, he looked disturbed, fearful again. "Well, you've seen me now. The grand trip to see Orihara Izaya, the cripple, has reached its glorious end! And so, if you would kindly..." Izaya drove his wheelchair back, showing rather shakily at the door. Shizuo bit his lip and stood up, but though he did walk towards Izaya, he didn't move past him, and to the door. The raven's hand trembled and fell on the armrest again.

"...Izaya, listen..." 

"Go away." The informant cut his sentence short, and turned his face away again.

"No way. We need to talk."

"I have nothing to say to you. Leave!" Shizuo frowned, the snippets of well-known rage kindling inside him, ready to burst any moment now. He grabbed Izaya's elbow, trying to make him look at him, but what happened instead made him still in shock. Izaya tensed, his skin running pale again, and a little, quiet yelp escaping his lips before he could stop it. Under his grasp, Shizuo could feel the informant's body trembling. 

"...Izaya, I want us to talk. I... I won't... I'm not like I was, however hard it is to believe. I won't just go off and fight you. Not... not like that."

"..."

"Izaya."

"Let me go."

Shizuo sighed, and let go, watching the raven's arm fall motionlessly on the armrest again. The informant still refused to look at him, but at least he seemed to be listening. The blond bit his lip and run his hand through his hair. Questions. Right. He had some questions. What... were they again?

"...I got your cat."

Silence.

"...I know you're... you were Psyche." 

"Bravo. I would give you a cookie for getting a hint, but I'm afraid Haruto-kun ate all we had in stock."

"Izaya."

" _What_."

The suddenly offensive tone, and Izaya turning to look at him, made Shizuo still again and hesitate. Finally, he sat back down, directly in front of the raven, blocking the corridor completely like that. 

"... _why_ _?_ Why did you... Why had... Just... why? I talked to Shinra. I talked to a lot of people, really. You... I don't get it. We hated each other from the first time we met; why did you befriend me over the internet, and yet never used that against me? Why did you make me angry on purpose, even though there was no gain for you there? Why did you stage all these kidnappings and whatnot, only to send me to stop your own plans?  _Why?_ "

It was Izaya's turn to sigh, to lean slightly back on his chair, though still tense, pale and not looking directly into Shizuo's eyes. There was silence; long, stretched so thin they could both hear Haruto's quiet chatter and Himari's even quieter replies. It felt as if Izaya wanted to say something a few times; he parted his lips, but nothing came out, and closed them again after a moment in defeat. Finally, all that escaped him was another, long sigh - a tired one now. The raven slumped in his wheelchair, and covered his eyes with his hand, in what had to be the most relaxed gestured he has made thus far.

"...it was long ago, Shizuo. I left your Ikebukuro, just like you always wanted. I don't meddle in your life anymore. I even moved to another city so that you won't meet me by accident. What else do you want from me?"

_Shizuo. Why do you call me that?_

"...answers. The truth."

Another, long stretch of silence. Shizuo actually started to wonder if Izaya didn't fall asleep at some point, but the raven's crimson eyes were locked on the floor to Shizuo's left, stubbornly looking at the pattern on the carpet, as if it had all the answers and all the right words. They never came; when the silence has been broken again, it was the blond who broke it.

"...look, I'm... Izaya, I... I'm  _sorry_."

"You're  _what?_ " 

 "...you heard me, dammit. I'm... I'm sorry."

"...because you made me a cripple? How touching. Well, unfortunately, that doesn't..."

"Shinra said you never wanted me to hate you, and that it was majorly his fault, and his introduction that ticked me off. He said that you didn't hate me back then; that you never did."

"..."

"Izaya, is that true?"

"...what does it matter?"

"...whole lot. It makes about ten bloody years of difference."

Izaya closed his eyes. Shizuo's jaw tightened, and he could feel his fists clench as he tried to make enough sense out of his jumbled thoughts. So... it really was the truth? But then, why..? 

The raven didn't grant him with an answer. He wouldn't even look at him. He just sat there, eyes closed, hands grasping the armrests again. On a whim, out of not having anything better on mind, Shizuo hesitantly reached out his hand and touched Izaya's palm, cringing when the raven flinched, though didn't pull away.

"What do you want, Shizuo?" he asked in a quiet, defeated voice, one that made the tiny bit of guilt that made the blond apologise bloom into a full-fledged flame.

"I told you already. I want to know why did you do all this; you ended up hurt, chased out of the city you loved being in, people are hunting for your head... and I... I ended up suddenly having the life I always wanted. It's not... It isn't like you, to make it easy for me for a change."

"...you just said Shinra told you what my motives were."

"He only told me you didn't hate me. That's not much of an answer."

"What if I won't give you a better one?"

"How about I stay  _right here_ until you fucking do?!" Shizuo said that in a rather loud voice, feeling his annoyance sky-rocket at the raven's evasive tone. Izaya's eyes widened, his body straightened and backed away into the wheelchair, and...

"Shizuo-nii-san stays?" came a delighted voice from the door to their right, and Haruto emerged from there, running up to Shizuo and hugging him happily. Both Izaya and the blond stared, at a loss of words. 

"That's great! We're going to have so much fun together! Wanna sleep in our room?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haruto is precious and should be protected


	11. Chapter 11

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Evening_

 

Shizuo did end up spending the night.

He didn't want to, in all honesty. And Izaya most certainly didn't want him to. But Haruto was unrelenting; he bounced, proposed countless things they have to do together, finally whined and pretended to cry until Shizuo gave up, and Izaya drove his wheelchair away with a huff, locking himself in his room and not coming out even when the boy knocked and asked him to.

Shizuo managed to pacify Haruto in this regard; it was the least he could do, as he still felt terrible guilt burning at his heart after seeing just what he had done to the raven-haired informant, and what's more, how he made all the hurt and all the trauma reappear just by being there. So the blond picked the boy up and carried him away until he could no longer bother Izaya, and played with him dutifully, first letting Haruto show him all his toys yet again, helping him unpack the brand new ones, finally sitting with him by a console and playing Mario Kart with him until the loud, rumbling sound got out oh his stomach and Shizuo ordered all of them pizza (and some pasta for Himari, who raised her eyes from her book only to tell him she'd prefer that. Once it came, he left Haruto digging happily in his slices and Himari humming approvingly when the blond prepared her tea and gave her her dinner on a tray so she didn't have to move, before picking another tray and walking slowly to the closed door of master's bedroom.

He knocked.

There was no answer.

"...Izaya, I know for a fact you're there. I also know you didn't eat anything today. I've got food, let me in, okay?"

Still no answer. 

"You do realise I can open the door whether you unlock it or not, right?"

Silence.

"Okay, well... don't tell me I didn't warn you. On one... two..."

A sigh, and a soft sound of wheels scraping the floor, followed by the door unlocking and a tiny creak appearing when the informant opened the door. A bit. Shizuo didn't push or try to open them wider; he really didn't want to come on as forceful at the moment, as ironic as it may have sounded. Izaya looked him up and down, before a ghost of a smile brushed his lips and he opened the door more, taking the tray and placing it on his lap. 

"...I see Haruto-kun introduced you to his hairdresser kit." he said in a quiet voice, gaze dropping to the contents of the tray and a displeased frown. Shizuo smiled lightly as well; both because he knew he still had few of the cute hairpins and green ribbons Haruto insisted on putting in his hair, and because he just remembered some off-handed remark Shinra made about how Izaya liked to eat healthy.

"Mhm. He introduced me more or less to most of his toys."

"Was that Mario Kart I heard before?"

"Yeah. He was delighted, he said you never let him win."

"Ah... well, children should learn to work hard to be the best."

"...never imagined you the kind to be a thoughtful parent." 

"No, probably not."

There was something unbearably artificial in the whole exchange, and the moment the awkward silence fell between them, they both welcomed it almost with relief. Izaya bit his lip and looked away after a moment, his wheelchair driving back half a step. Shizuo took a step back, too. 

"...thank you for the meal."

"...don't mention it."

And just like that, the door closed again, and the lock clicked. On both sides, soft, relieved sighs escaped two sets of lips.

* * *

 

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Midnight_

 

All lights in the apartment were off, but the spacious living room occupying the majority of hotel's royal suite was either way illuminated, the never-fading lights of the city casting soft, gleaming shine over the luxurious, comfortable furniture. Combined with moonlight, it made all it cast its gentle glamour on seem silver and smooth, making even the sharp corners of some of the more modern appliances take on a more cozy, rounded look. 

It was quiet, safe for some barely audible sounds of breathing, and of the city bustling many, many floors under the feet of the inhabitants of this apartment. There was also another sound; steady, quiet whirring, somewhat mechanical in its nature.

A dark figure emerged from the door of the master's bedroom, connected via a small corridor to the living room. It was quiet, dressed in simple black, with hair of the same color. In this dim light, only its eyes shone with a touch of crimson.

The man who just entered the room was seated on a wheelchair - the source of the soft, whirring sound. He looked young, but his face was pale and his eyes were tired with experience and too many years of hidden suffering. Orihara Izaya drove his grotesque throne towards the couch in the middle of the room and halted just beside it, looking down silently at the figure curled up under the blanket there.

After many, many years of seeing him just outside the reach of his fingers, after planning and executing the plan that was meant to make this man a hero and make him forget Izaya once and for all, erasing him from his life, Heiwajima Shizuo was there; sleeping on his couch, snuggled under his blanket, even cuddling a teddy bear that Izaya had bought, alas not having this particular blond in mind while doing so. Today, Heiwajima Shizuo has entered his life again, with tact and grace one could only expect from such a crude protozoan as him. Today, all of Izaya's whole, meticulously planned  _life after Shizuo_ has been destroyed, and he himself thrown onto unknown territory, and forced to confront feelings he has been hiding and running from all his life.

"...why can't you  _ever_ do what I expect you to, Shizuo..? Shizu-chan...." Izaya sighed, leaning his chin on his hand as he looked down at his ex-nemesis, sleeping peacefully in the house of one he swore never to trust. The raven seemed to hesitate, but soon he simply couldn't help the sudden urge, and his hand moved to thread softly through the blond hair. They were soft; so perfectly soft. Who would have thought, after so many bleachings? Izaya couldn't help but chuckle quietly to himself. Of course Shizuo had to  _feel_ even better than he could ever imagine him to be. 

All it took was this one thought to make Izaya pull back and straighten up on his wheelchair all over again. 

Today was such a whirlpool of unwelcome emotions. First Shizuo, forcing his way back into his life, catching him in his arms as if that was the most natural thing in the world; as if they were friends; as if these years of hatred and murderous desires was nothing more than a dream. And Izaya was left with images of pain and fear flashing before his eyes, of the sight of this man, that now carried him carefully in his arms, dragging a heavy vending machine over the pavement, ready to finish him off. It was a wild, raw kind of terror that spoke to Izaya on the most primitive level possible, made him tense and prepare for death without consulting his brain, his feelings or even his consciousness.

And when Shizuo let him go, it was already too late. The blond seen fear in his eyes; Izaya could see it in his. 

He was given another chance, and he lost it before even realising it's there. 

Even when Shizuo seemed to want to talk afterwards, what was there to talk about? What was there to say?  _All the years you've hated me, I lied. I never hated you. I loved you. I still do. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I was ready to sacrifice everything for you, and I very nearly did._ As if he could say any of these. 

"...why are you here? Why now? Why can't you simply be content in the life I created for you back there?" the informant whispered, the words followed by an exasperated sigh. It would have been better if he could prepare himself and lie to the blond again. To make him hate him once more. It would have been better if Shizuo left. But no; Haruto, of all people, latched himself onto the blond from the moment he heard the word  _stay_ in regard to him, and didn't let go, even when Shizuo tried to convince him he should leave, at least for the night, but the boy was unrelenting, forcing the blond to stay, and even preparing Shizuo a vaguely comfortable resting place on the couch, teddy bear included. 

Izaya smiled lightly at the cuddly bear wrapped in the blond's arms, some of the old warmth he usually felt while chatting with Tsugaru rising in his chest again.

"... _Izaya_..." came a soft murmur somewhere from under the blanket, and the informant tensed on his wheelchair, his face turning pale; Shizuo, however, only turned slightly, his face slipping from under the blanket, a soft, sad frown painted all over it as he voiced the sleepy question Izaya has been asking himself for the past day; and possibly many, many years before.

" _...why...?_ "

* * *

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Morning_

 

As the first rays of sunlight emerged from behind the many skyscrapers scattered across Bunokura, Heiwajima Shizuo opened his eyes and was greeted by the early morning flood of brightness hitting him right across the eyes. He felt somewhat stiff, and as if his spine has been twisted in a way most spines should not be during the night, but otherwise, he felt strangely... light. As if some great weight has been lifted from his shoulders since the previous morning.

Of course, he had no right to feel like that. The case with Izaya has been anything but solved. They were still miserably trying and failing to communicate, both withholding and yearning for information, trying to read each other's thoughts and lamenting when the other failed to decipher them. Nothing was easy or solved; if anything, things got even more complicated. And even so, Shizuo felt at ease.

Maybe simply because Izaya was there, and if the blond could help it, he was not going anywhere until he gives him some very needed answers. 

For now, Shizuo slowly sat up, the blanket slipping down his naked chest and resting on his lap, together with the teddy bear. He only brought pyjama pants with himself, and didn't want to sleep in the T-shirt he wore during the day

 

"...up already?" Came a quiet voice behind him, and Shizuo turned so fast he almost fell off the couch. Izaya was right there, looking at him with sleep still thick in his eyes, his hair tousled, an oversized hoodie and shorts hanging on his thin frame. He was already on his wheelchair, and had a glass of water in hand, and suddenly Shizuo realised the raven driving past him must have been what woke him up.

"...yeah. You?"

"Just woke up. Needed a glass of water."

Well, Izaya sounded at least somewhat more collected than yesterday. And less fearful. Shizuo stretched and yawned, scratching his head.

"Say... no chance you have milk here, right?"

 "Haruto-kun drinks milk. Be sure to leave some for him, though."

" Izaya...?"

"What?"

Shizuo hesitated, the informants words coming off much more defensive than he was prepared for them to be. Judging by Izaya's expression, more than the informant was prepared for them to be, too. 

"...nothing. Thanks for letting me sleep here."

"...I didn't have much choice, did I? I expect you to leave as soon as possible, though. I don't want you here."

"...I want answers. I'm not leaving until I get them."

"...well, I suppose neither of us is getting what they want then."


	12. Chapter 12

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Morning_

 

Silence fell between them after Izaya's harsh words. Despite the fact the light didn't change one bit - it was still soft and warm and golden, bathing the room - and them - in its gentle glow, the temperature in the room felt as if it dropped. Shizuo felt his head start to hurt; which was quite a suitable feeling for the moment, looking at how he once more run head-first into one of the walls Izaya erected around himself, whether to protect himself or close himself in, or both, who knew.

The raven obviously found the silence as jarring as the blond did; Izaya turned his back to him. Shizuo watched the wheelchair turn smoothly, and stared at the back of the raven's head. The feeling of almost unbearable  _separation_  was overwhelming, and he wasn't sure whether this was because of how he felt, or whether he was feeling this for Izaya's sake. 

This... this wasn't why he came here. This wasn't what he expected. He wanted to get answers, to talk to Izaya, to understand some of the chaos that happened in and around him ever since back that time. And yet, ever since he got here, every attempt at a conversation ended in a feeling as if Shizuo run head-first into the thick, translucent wall that seemed to separate him from Izaya, no matter how hard he tried to break it. 

The blond felt his hands curl up on his lap. Why was this so hard? Izaya didn't need to lie anymore, and he himself wasn't getting angry, so why was it so hard to communicate? He talked with Psyche just fine; easily, even. 

Shizuo blinked, as an idea bloomed in his mind. Right...

"...Psyche..." he said quietly, blinking as he saw Izaya's silhouette stiffen before the raven turned to him once more, eyes confused and a frown on his face. 

"...what--?"

"Psyche." Shizuo repeated. Izaya's frown turned to an obvious annoyance. He opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Shizuo continued. If Izaya won't talk with him, maybe Psyche will. 

"Psyche, why can't we just talk?" Shizuo said, going head first with his idea. Hell, he was never one to overthink things. "We've used to talk all the time, so it can't be  _that_ hard. That's all I want, Psyche. I only want to talk. If you want me gone, then just let me have that."

For a long moment, it looked like Izaya didn't know whether to laugh, cry or get angry. He simply stared at Shizuo. The soft, first rays of sun streamed into the room, one of them leaving a golden, shimmering stain over Izaya's cheek and neck, only punctuating how pale and sickly thin he still was. And then, the raven rolled his wheelchair a bit closer; a curious expression spread over his face, and the sunlight now fell on his hair instead, creating an illusion of a halo around his head. 

"...Tsugaru-san..." he said quietly, before hesitating - and then, surprisingly, letting out a soft laugh. "Tsugaru-san is as dumb as he always was." 

"Yes, he is." Shizuo couldn't help but laugh himself. Did it really just work? If just a bit, he felt the wall between them give way... at least it wasn't the frustrating awkwardness of their first interactions anymore. "Tsugaru-san is a hopeless dumbass, that much is clear to everyone present, Psyche. You'd know... you've talked to him for years, after all." 

"So, you know about that." 

"I'd be an even dumber dumbass not to know."

"I suppose." 

Shizuo bit his lip. Izaya seemed ready to run back into his shell from the brief moment of connection they had, and he wasn't about to let him. If he only could keep the conversation up...

But then, it seemed that won't really be needed. It seemed, for once, Izaya thought the same. And just maybe, the raven wanted some answers of his own. 

"So... is that is, then? Tsugaru searching for his lost friend... is that why you came here, Shizuo?" Izaya sighed softly, looking down at the glass of water in his hands. "You won't find him here, you know. Psyche is long gone." 

"You're right, and I know he is. But I'm not here looking for Psyche, Izaya. I'm here to look for a friend..." the blond bit his lip, leaning forward slightly, trying to see whether what he was saying got him anywhere.

"...you had friends in Ikebukuro. Here, you have none. You don't make sense."

"See... that's the trouble, though. At first, yeah, I was happy in Ikebukuro. I had friends there, even people who hated me didn't bother to piss me off, due to some dumbass rumors. It was peaceful enough, I learnt to keep calm most of the time... not all the time, obviously, but I got a lot better at controlling myself. Only, see, after some time... I don't know, something started to feel wrong. Like it was all fake, made up. Like I didn't belong in that peaceful city anymore..." 

"I talked to Kasuka about it... well, and other people, too. And after a while, I realized I was missing something, and that  _something_ was you. Not... hell, how do I explain it? I didn't miss the chaos and me losing control and people getting hurt. But I missed.. being needed? Uh, that's not a good word. I missed having a purpose, I guess. I mean, it was always the two of us, Izaya and Shizuo, we were like two sides of a coin. And now it was just me, and I felt incomplete. So I started thinking, why? Why was it that without you there, I somehow stopped being myself? And I realized that as much as  _that_ Izaya kept pissing me off, he was someone that created me. I realized you were Psyche. I realized you were the one who made me foil your own plans. And it didn't make much sense, for someone who hated me... unless." 

The blond's amber eyes turned to Izaya. The raven was looking at him, too, and their eyes locked, but there was no wall between them for once. Izaya leaned forward in his wheelchair, listening intently, face impossible to read, but not because he made it so; no, it was because there was too much; too many emotions to read flowing over it. 

"Unless Izaya Orihara did not hate me. Unless it was his plan, from the start, to land me where I was today; to make me  _happy_. I guess it's not too weird I had a lot of questions regarding that, all of a sudden." 

Silence lingered, Izaya smiled lightly, and for a moment there, illuminated by the sunrise, he looked like himself again. Like his old self, though Shizuo had a hard time how was it he was reminded of the old Izaya here, since the old Izaya never smiled this  _softly_ at him. 

"...no, Izaya Orihara did not hate you." he said finally. Izaya still seemed to hesitate, even as he, in turn, begun to talk.

"Why didn't you?"

"What was there to hate?" Izaya shrugged, suddenly looking annoyed. Strangely, it felt as if he has had this kind of conversation countless times before, and though Shizuo didn't know it, he really did. Convincing people not to hate the blond, what a pain when the  _people_ this time were Shizuo himself... 

"I never hated you. You were human, and quite an interesting one, at that. What I didn't understand was why everyone else seemed to hate you... and what I don't understand draws me in." the raven smiled lightly, bitterly. "I suppose that was my downfall. Getting interested in you." 

Shizuo opened his mouth; he had a lot more questions than that; more, now, in fact; but Izaya's raised hand and weary look stopped him from asking. 

"...I've had enough. For now. I'm tired, and I want to do some work now." Izaya said, surprisingly honest. Shizuo nodded simply, and watched the raven drive past his couch once more, back to his room. And yet, despite them barely talking at all...

It somehow felt better than it did before. Like, though thin and fragile, a thread of understanding between them has been created.

 _Well then_ , Shizuo thought, grabbing his bag and finding some fresh clothes there, changing quickly and brushing his teeth in the bathroom, washing his face while at it as well. 

_I better find out where I can get all of us some breakfast._

 

* * *

 

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Noon_

 

It was... both surprisingly hard and surprisingly easy to slip into coexisting with the three people living in the royal suite of the best hotel in Bunokura. Breakfast has been delivered to them right as Shizuo was getting ready to go out and buy some things; and surprisingly, it was meant for four people. It seemed that no matter what he said, Izaya took care to make the blond comfortable here, and at least fed. 

Haruto and Himari got up soon afterwards, and Shizuo delivered Izaya his breakfast on a tray, together with some green tea; both he silently exchanged for the empty pizza tray by the raven's door, though the moment he tried to tell Izaya that he didn't need to stay cooped up in his room, the door got closed into his face. 

Ah, well, what could you do. 

The rest of the day went on peacefully enough. Himari sat down with a book, and Haruto wanted to play again, and before he knew it, Shizuo got sucked up into playing with the boy and making the girl tea with cookies, exchanging a few words. He didn't even notice when the noon came close, and Haruto said he was hungry. Not feeling like being cooped up in the apartment any longer, Shizuo knocked on Izaya's door, waiting for the reply that never came to let him know whether the man was listening or not. 

"...Izaya?"

Silence. Really? Again?

"Look, I thought I'm gonna take the kids out for some pizza or something for dinner... maybe for some walk in the park."

"...go ahead." 

"Thing is, Haruto wants you to come, too. So, uh... do you wanna...?"

"I have work, so no." 

Shizuo sighed, and for a moment, thought whether he shouldn't push. Then again, last time he tried to push, Izaya just clammed up again. 

"...fine. I'll get you some dinner up there too." 

"Please, for the love of god, let it not be pizza."

Shizuo couldn't help it; he laughed. 

"It won't be pizza. I promise." 

 

* * *

 **A/N:** first off, I am sorry to everyone reading this story for how long it has taken me to update. I really do not have much in terms of an excuse, other than that real life has been a bitch, and with it, the motivation to write faded and disappeared in time. 

That having been said, I'm back now; I can't promise I will be here regularly, but I will at least try. And for that, I would like to thank one person. 

ashleytorres2123, thank you. I woke up today to your comments, and you have simply no idea how much this means; to see someone reading this work, after such a long time, to see someone enjoy it, so read of how you felt reading each chapter. It almost made me cry, I was so happy, and as you can see, you motivated me, more than anything else ever could, to keep going. 

Thank you. Whatever ending Shizuo and Izaya will get starting now, you will be the one they should thank for it. 


	13. Chapter 13

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Evening_

 

„So, it that thing permanent?” Shizuo hummed, pointing his chopsticks at Izaya’s legs and receiving a deeply offended look in return.

They were both seated in Izaya’s dim bedroom, now turned light by Shizuo forcing the blinds open. He got inside here after coming back with the kids good few hours after taking them for dinner and using a mixture of bribery and threats to get Izaya to open the door. Or, well…

_“Izaya, I have ootoro and I’m gonna get in there, so either open the door or I’m breaking them down.”_

They had an awkward meal together now – Shizuo happily devouring his salmon rolls, while Izaya elegantly savoured his fatty tuna. It almost felt domestic, really.

“...well first of all, haven’t your parents taught you you shouldn’t go around pointing with your chopsticks, you brute? And second of all, is that the kind of question you ask all disabled people, or just me?” Izaya huffed, pursing his lips and setting his chopsticks down onto the tray on his lap.

“No, I only ask that to annoying fleas who won’t talk if I ask them indirectly. C’mon. It’s not some morbid curiosity, okay? I wanna know how much I hurt you.”

“…that definitely sounds like morbid curiosity.”

“How about it sounds like something a guy has been tormenting himself forever for, and wants to know the real extent of damage? I didn’t even know if I didn’t kill you in the end, dammit.”

Well, that made Izaya halt and look at Shizuo with a frown for a few long moments. Well… of course. He should have guessed. Having now confirmed the blond knew he was Psyche, it was only natural that after finding out his _friend_ was the same person he very nearly killed the other day, Shizuo might feel bad. And as much as Izaya couldn’t deny there was some kind of dark satisfaction in having the blond torment himself over hurting him, after a moment he sighed, and shook his head.

“…not according to the doctors, no. My legs are functional, at any rate. It’s just that walking on them causes me a… fair deal of pain. Apparently, it might go away with rehabilitation… well, I don’t really have time for _that_ , so on this chair I stay.”

Izaya kept his eyes on his food throughout his speech. He didn’t want to look up and see Shizuo’s pity. He could take many things, but not that.

“…I’m sorry.”

Well, that made the raven laugh. Bitterly, but still.

“I suppose it could’ve been worse. You could’ve dumped that vending machine on me after all.” he murmured, flashing his eyes up; and hating himself for the flash of hurt that caused to scrunch Shizuo’s features. It was always like this, wasn’t it? Izaya would reflectively try for his words to bite, to hurt, and then regret it in the end, whenever the recipient was the blond before him. Gods, what was wrong with him…

“I… like to think I wouldn’t have killed you, in the end, but that’s a lie.” Shizuo mumbled, his fists clenching. “I hate that. I hate myself for being like this.”

“Hate me for creating that situation in the first place, if you need to hate someone.”

Hazel eyes flashing up to meet his, and again, that look. That confused, lost look that made Izaya think wearily whether he was truly such an enigma to the blond in front of him. There was something endearing, in a way, with how Shizuo would not understand, and yet stubbornly force his way through, step after step, never giving up. Dumb protozoan.

“Is that why you’re not doing rehabilitation, then? Some kind of fucking punishment?”

…oh. Or he wasn’t so dumb and simple after all. Really, this was why Izaya found himself so frustrated with Shizuo at times. He never said or did anything he thought he would.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I…” Izaya started, only to yelp and raise the tray with the few last pieces of his ootoro defensively when Shizuo set his own down and knelt in front of him, resting his hands on his ankle and knee. What was happening? Izaya stared down, only to meet these infuriatingly stubborn hazel eyes looking back at him.

“You’re doing rehabilitation.” the protozoan spoke. Izaya didn’t dignify that with an answer. “Lucky for you, I spent like… half of my life at a hospital doing exactly it, so I’m gonna help. And you’re gonna walk again.”

“…you have _got_ to be kidding me.”

 

* * *

 

_Bunokura Town, September 2016_

_Evening_

 

Shizuo ended up not kidding him, in the end.

The blond didn’t know whether it was frustration at the slow pace their communication was happening at, or simply him being tired of overthinking this. He knew how to _act_ ; his whole life, relying on his instincts was what he did, and thinking for too long about whether he should or should not do something only caused him to waver. Shizuo knew he was simple, but there was a method in that simplicity that would argue otherwise. He knew what he wanted, what was right and wrong. And as long as he controlled himself, he always saw a straight path of action.

Izaya was different, of course. As the blond made him sit back and set down his food, and then picked him up and laid him on the bed, to the raven’s annoyance, it was obvious Izaya didn’t know what to do. He was thinking; Shizuo could almost see gears turning in his head, trying to navigate the situation they were in. He, himself shrugged it of as a _situation_ , and got to work.

Admittedly, helping someone with moving after a trauma was different from having someone do that for him, but Shizuo was careful and surprisingly gentle. He felt when it hurt or was too much; not like he could depend on Izaya telling him, the other was way too proud to show any sign of pain; and after a while, they developed some sort of a rhythm. Izaya’s leg rising; stretching; holding; resting. And again, with the other one. And again.

Shizuo wasn’t expecting fireworks. He knew rehabilitation was a lengthy process. Still, he was going to help, and was happy with every little bit of movement Izaya did on his own. Finally, after some time had passed, the raven pushed his hands away, looking to the side.

“…that’s enough for today, don’t you think? If you’ve had enough of tormenting me…”

“…helping you, you mean.”

“Making me feel weak and at your mercy is helping now? I need to update my dictionary. Same kind of help like when you tried to murder me?”

Ah, that stung again; it really did. Shizuo pursed his lips, but took it. He deserved it, he supposed. After all, what Izaya said was the truth. He took a few breaths before calming down and talking again, sitting back on the chair he did at the start.

“…I can’t change the past, Izaya. And neither can you. Whether I hate myself for what I did and try to help to repent, won’t change it. And whether you try to repent by living in pain won’t change it, either. But don’t you think working on leaving the pain and self-hatred in the past where it belongs works better for both of us than this… this _stupid_ fucking back-and-forth does?”

Shizuo shook his head, ignoring Izaya’s expression. He couldn’t even begin to think of what it meant, anyway.

“I wanna help. I want to get you walking again. And I want to find out why is it that you were ready to give your life for me being accepted. And you can tell me it’s not my business or that you won’t tell me, or that it’ll never work… I don’t care. I’m going to come back and bang my head on that freakin wall you created between us until it gives way, anyway. So what do _you_ want?”

It went to show just how annoying to Izaya Shizuo truly was, for him to make the raven shut up for this long. He opened his mouth after a while, hesitated, and was about to close them again, when Shizuo spoke again.

“Say it. I just sat with you on your bed and waved your fucking legs for you, I think whatever you have to say isn’t embarrassing enough to make a difference now.”

Izaya laughed at that, covering his eyes with his arms.

“…were you always this well-spoken?”

“You doubt Tsugaru-san being well-spoke?”

“I doubt Tsugaru-san’s ability to use Japanese language correctly.” Izaya hummed, smile still lingering on his lips, his eyes still hidden. They were silent for a while more, still, tension raising between them. The words stumbled from Izaya’s lips, as if they spilt before he could catch them.

“…stay.”

“…what?”

“You asked me what I want. I want you to stay. Here, or… no, just with me. Help me, like you said you want to. Make that _stupid back-and-forth_ go away. I…” Izaya bit his lip, tensing up. It was quite amazing to see, really – Izaya Orihara being honest.

“…if it just keeps on, it just makes it all hurt more. I hate being in an impasse.”

“Okay.” Shizuo nodded quietly, before biting his lip as he frowned. Everything – the request, the rare moment of being able to grasp a sight of genuine Izaya, it felt strange; but also strangely made sense. Hesitating only for a moment longer, Shizuo reached out his hand and took Izaya’s, pulling his arm from over his eyes by it.

“…it’s a deal, then. But you’re gonna be a bit more straightforward with me.”

Well, that seemed to make Izaya smile again.

“One big step at a time, Shizu-chan. One step at a time.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **>** the yearly timeline for this story is taken from the date of birth on Izaya's driving licence, according to which he was born in 1990. Therefore, the first year of high school for him would start on April 2006, when he is fifteen (school year in Japan starts in April)  
>   
>  **>** please note that however I try to keep my characters as close to canon as possible, this is an AU, and ooc-ness might happen  
>   
>  **>** rating might go up further on  
>   
>  **>** Thank you so much for commenting on this fic, everyone! Thanks to you, I keep writing more, and have incredible fun writing this. Thank you, thank you all so much!  
>   
> 


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